


Heavy head and a heavy crown

by aprilmay98



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race (US) RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Background Trixie Mattel/Katya Zamolodchikova, Bottom Trixie Mattel, Eventual Romance, F/F, Fluff and Angst, I.Q. Kitty Trixie Mattel, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Lesbian Katya Zamolodchikova, Lesbian Trixie Mattel, Mental Health Issues, POV Katya Zamolodchikova, References to Depression, RuPaul's Drag Race References, Russian Katya Zamolodchikova, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Top Katya Zamolodchikova, trixya - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-22
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:33:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 26,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27148762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aprilmay98/pseuds/aprilmay98
Summary: Katya is returning to college for the first time in a year. She meets a blonde girl in a flower crown who unexpectedly changes her life for the better. But recovery is no straight line. The pair go through highs and lows together, but will Trixie realise her feelings for Katya before its too late?
Relationships: Trixie Mattel/Katya Zamolodchikova
Comments: 22
Kudos: 50





	1. Our hill's not all that steep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for clicking on this fic! I'm very new to this and am still very unsure of how ao3 actually works so please bare with me in terms of the formatting and everything!  
> I'm very aware that the writing's all a bit clunky at the moment, but I really hope to improve as I go along so please stick with me.  
> I would really appreciate any feedback, positive or negative, so please leave a comment if you want to <3

#  Chapter One: Our hill’s not all that steep 

Katya awoke with a start at the alarm blaring to her right, screaming at her to wake up. She rolled over and desperately tried to ignore it, gathering the sheets around her in a futile attempt to drown out its painful noise. She closed her eyes and cast her mind back to the dream she'd been having, and the images came rushing back as quickly as they'd disappeared. The dark scene flooded her mind once more and she felt the familiar sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach as the vivid images came to life, almost as if she had never woken up. She opened her eyes once more and, with tremendous effort, dragged herself up from her mattress, smacking the snooze button on the alarm as she did so. Stretching out her tense arms, she looked out of her small window and saw that the day was fittingly grey. Pathetic fallacy at its finest.

She slowly made her way to her wardrobe and threw together an outfit she deemed fitting for her first day back in hell; she selected a red tartan dress, accompanied by black fishnet tights and her usual chunky doc marten boots. She slumped herself down by her mirror and, to keep her hands busy, set herself the task of slowly braiding her long platinum hair into two French braids at her sides, an attempt to distract herself from the anxiety ridden thoughts already bombarding her mind. Once she'd completed her assigned task, she sat staring at herself in the mirror, slightly mesmerised by the girl she saw staring back at her; the sharp, defined jawline, her rouged lips. 

Was she really ready to go back to the very place that had sparked so many of her problems? She didn't think she was, but that decision, like so many others, had been made by her mother who seemed to think that she knew Katya's mind better than she knew it herself. And, if she was being perfectly honest with herself, Katya did realise that going back to college would probably be the best thing for her, but that didn't make the prospect of returning any more bearable.

Finally breaking out of her almost trance-like state, Katya made her way downstairs, decided that the void in her stomach was too deep to be filled by breakfast and left the house without a word to her mum, who desperately called after her as she abruptly closed the front door. She knew that her mum would try and get her to talk about how she was feeling about going back, just as the therapist had advised her to, but that really wasn't what she needed right now. What she needed was to be alone. Katya knew that she would probably end up not going back to college at all if she thought too much about it, and consequently made the calculated decision to leave the house as quietly and discreetly as possible, and so far that first step on her list had gone fairly painlessly. That, however, was the only easy part of her list. She still had a whole day stretched out before her. A day that she had been dreading for months. Katya began to feel that familiar sense of anxiety as the fact that she was really going back sank in, her hands felt clammy and she began to walk at an unusually fast pace in an attempt to quell the rising panic in her chest.

Katya began to try the breathing exercises drilled into her by countless therapy sessions, but they were all in vain and, with a frustrated sigh, she reached into her pocket and pulled out the packet of cigarettes she had been saving just for this moment. She glanced behind her warily, eventually coming to the conclusion that even her mum would understand that today wasn't like other days and certain leniencies could be taken, just this once. She had kept up the 'yes mum, I'm trying to quit, I promise' facade for months, frequently sneaking out to the woods at the end of her street in order to give herself the much needed relief that she only found in a stupid stick of tobacco. Katya hated being so dependent on smoking and, deep down, knew that she could easily quit if she set her mind to it, but for some reason she had never felt quite ready to give up this dependence, especially now that it was all she had left, the only reminder of her past existence. Inhaling the bitter smoke into her lungs, Katya let out a slow sigh of relief, maybe she could face the day, if she really decided to get through it. 

From an early age her teachers had always described her as 'strong-willed' in their termly reports, and Katya remembered with a small smile how she used to stay up to the early hours of the day, determined to learn new words in her native tongue. She could read through pages and pages of Russian literature without a second thought by the age of ten, making her mother exceptionally proud as she saw her daughter relishing in their shared heritage. The memories of her childhood always made Katya happy, particularly the ones which included her papa, a stockily built man with hands bigger than Katya's face- of course, that was when she was very little, and she often wondered longingly how her hand would fit into her father's if he were still around. She shook herself abruptly, that was a path of memories that she really didn't have the capacity to wonder down right now. She needed to focus on the present, that was all she had now.

Throwing the stub of her cigarette onto the pavement, Katya set her course for the college gates, which seemed inexplicably larger than they had the last time she'd seen them.Keeping her head low, she resolutely walked through the entrance towards the arts block, desperately hoping that no one would recognise her. Without looking up, she quickly walked through the automatic doors of the old, drab building that had once felt like her second home, and turned right towards the classroom where she assumed her first lesson of the day would take place. 

After rounding the final corridor she looked up and stopped abruptly in her tracks. Something wasn't right. The walls looked different, no longer the familiar lilac colour that had once made her feel so calm, but instead painted a clinical white. The pieces of artwork and exhibits of various extended projects that had previously adorned the display boards had been replaced by various maths charts, with symbols and equations that Katya could not even imagine being able to solve. She stared at the building around her, bewildered by its dramatic change. Suddenly everything felt too much, the change felt too drastic, and she sank to the floor, holding her head in her hands. 

'This had all been a mistake, how stupid can you be', Katya thought to herself. 'Of course the bloody building has changed, you've been gone for over a year, did you expect the world to freeze and fall apart in your absence? You shouldn't be here, you're not ready for this' chanted the familiar voice in her head as she sank further into the floor. She suddenly felt incredibly drained, and grimly decided that she would sit in this spot until the end of the day when she could finally go home and lie to her mother about her day being 'better than expected!', with a fake smile plastered to her face. She knew how much her going back to college had meant to her mother, and the thought of disappointing her made Katya's heart sink even further.

Just as she began to feel herself reaching a level of despair that she had not felt in a very long time, she felt the warmth of someone's hand on her shoulder. Katya started at the physical contact, turning her head to look at the well manicured and dainty hand that was now squeezing her shoulder comfortingly. She looked up slowly and a pair startlingly blue eyes met her own.

The girl standing over her had long blonde hair, quite similar to her own, except that it was a warmer, more golden shade of blonde. She was wearing a pink high neck dress that cut-off just above her knees and Katya noticed with amusement that a flower crown of white and blush pink roses perched precariously on her forehead. The flower crown girl looked at her with care, and Katya could see the genuine concern in her blue eyes.

A million thoughts rushed to her mind as she desperately sought for something to say, something that would mask the fact that she was on the brink of a panic attack, something that would convey a level of gratitude to this girl who had been kind enough to, whether knowingly or not, reach into the pit she was in and somehow drag her out. But just as she was about to open her mouth, hoping that some semblance of a coherent sentence would come out, the peal of the college bell resounded through the corridor. The flower crown girl shot her an apologetic look and disappeared into one of the neighbouring classrooms without a second glance.

Katya started after her, almost reverently as she realised that the voice in her head had been silenced by this brief, seemingly meaningless interaction. Katya stood up and, picking up her bag, made her way towards the front office for directions to the new arts block. Leaving with a far more positive attitude than when she arrived, Katya decided that she was going to get through the day, hoping more than she dared that she would bump into the mysterious flower crown girl again at some point that day.

\------------

Chapter song: Running on Fumes by King Creosote and Jon Hopkins


	2. Come a little bit closer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I'm so sorry for being so slow to publish this next chapter, this is my first time using ao3 so I'm still trying to get the hang of formatting and everything. I hope to update chapters as regularly as a can, but please bare with me as everything in my life is a bit hectic atm. Thank you so much to everyone who is actually bothering to read my writing, I really really appreciate it <3

#  Chapter Two: Come a little bit closer 

Katya made her way to the new art block with a heavy sense in her stomach. Despite being unreasonably affected by her run in with the flower crown girl, she still had an intense feeling of dread about the day stretched before her. A day filled with sympathetic looks from teachers, avoided eye contact and questions which she would really rather not answer. 

Walking through the dreary college courtyard, Katya stopped in her tracks. It had suddenly dawned on her that she didn’t have a clue who the flower crown girl actually was, she hadn’t even had the sense to ask her name. How was she going to somehow orchestrate another run in with the girl if she didn't even know her name?

What kind of idiot forgets to ask the name of the prettiest girl they have ever seen?’ sneered the voice in her head, but she quickly brushed it aside. Realising the absurdity of what she was about to do, Katya let out a nervous breath, turned on her heel and ran back towards, what she assumed to be, the new science block. She was almost giddy with excitement as she hurried through the automatic doors, hoping beyond hope that the flower crown girl wouldn’t think she was mad from what she was about to do. Desperately trying to remember the corridors she had dazedly walked through not ten minutes earlier, Katya finally arrived at the right door. Pausing a moment to catch her breath, she then knocked authoritatively on the door’s glass panel, peering through it in an attempt to find the person who had lifted her out of her earlier panic, but to no avail. 

A teacher, who Katya thought had an uncanny resemblance to a vulture, opened the door tentatively, evidently confused by this sudden interruption to her well scheduled lesson. Without a word of apology, Katya burst into the classroom, frantically looking around the room for the flower crown girl. The class sat in stunned silence, unsure of how to react to the tartan clad blonde girl who had just made an impromptu entrance to their classroom.

The class consisted of over thirty people, to Katya’s dismay, and for some reason she couldn't seem to locate the blue eyed blonde anywhere. She suddenly felt a wave of dismay hit her, had she got the wrong classroom? Had the girl left to go to the bathroom? Katya realised with a pang that she only had a few seconds before someone finally snapped to their senses and asked her what the hell she was doing. 

Just as she was about to turn and walk dejectedly out of the classroom, she caught sight of a tall blonde girl rising to her feet in the back left hand corner of the desk-filled room. Stomach leaping, Katya locked eyes with her and, before she could think twice, walked towards the girl and took her by the hand, leading her towards the classroom door. Suddenly realising that there were thirty people (thirty one including the vulture like teacher) staring at her with looks of disgust, amazement and intrigue, Katya shot an apologetic look towards the teacher.

“I am so sorry, there’s been an issue with one of our friends that really can’t wait until later, I’ll return..” Katya paused mid sentence, realising with dismay that she still didn’t know the blonde’s name.

“Tixie”, the flower crown girl interjected, and Katya thought she felt the girl squeeze her hand reassuringly. 

“Yes, sorry, I’ll return Trixie as soon as possible.” And without another word, she led the girl out of the classroom and into the hallway. Before she had a chance to begin to try and explain herself, the flower crown girl collapsed against the corridor wall in a fit of laughter. 

The warm, almost cackle like, laughter filled the hallway and Katya couldn’t help but let out a breathless laugh herself. “I am so sorry about that”, she said earnestly. “I really don’t know what came over me, I don’t even know what just happened, it’s like I just blacked out and suddenly ended up here.”

“What the fuck was that about?” The blonde said with a grin, finally standing up and wiping the tears from her cheeks.

Katya looked at her, finally taking in her whole presence; the slightly overlined pink lips, the beach waves falling long below her shoulders, the tortoiseshell glasses perched delicately on the bridge of her nose. “I realised that I didn’t even ask you what your name was earlier,” Katya began, but the flower crown girl interjected before she could continue.

“You didn’t say a word earlier, so I’m not sure how you thought my name would come up.” she said teasingly.

“Yeah, I’m sorry about that too”, she said with a sheepish grin. “Anyway, I realised that there was no way I could accidentally bump into you later if I didn’t know who you were.” Katya made quotation marks with her fingers as she said ‘accidentally’, making the flower crown girl burst out in laughter for the second time. 

“I’m Trixie,” she said with a warm smile, “and as much as I would love to talk I really have to get back to my trig class”. She looked at the small blonde apologetically, knowing that she would be landed in detention if she stayed out in the corridor much longer. 

“Oh, no that’s fine, I don’t want that vulture woman to start asking questions” she said with a glance back to the classroom door. 

Trixie let out another cackle, “She does look like a vulture!” she said, clasping her hand to her mouth in an attempt to stop the laughter escaping her lips. “I never knew what it was about her that felt off, but now I know.”

“I’ll let you get back” Katya said, trying to hide the disappointment in her voice, what more could she have hoped for? It was obviously unreasonable to expect Trixie to just ditch her, probably very important, class for some strange girl who’d just thrown herself on her. 

Trixie looked at her for a moment and then said in a lowered voice, “you better run into me again at lunch”, and walked back towards her classroom without a second glance. 

Katya stared after her in amazement, she never felt this way about anyone, so why was her stomach now filled with butterflies at the thought of someone she barely knew? She picked up her bag and walked towards the exit before the vulture woman could come and reprimand her for bursting in on her lesson in such an outrageous manner. 

Trixie sat looking through the window towards the arts block, which she had watched the bright eyed blonde walk in to. In spite of herself, Trixie was impressed by the way she had practically stopped an entire lesson just to find out her name. Blushing slightly at the thought, she tried to bury herself in the equations set before her, but her mind constantly wondered back to the other blonde. Usually so focused on her studies, Trixie was slightly alarmed by the rapidity at which this girl was filling her mind. With tremendous effort, Trixie dragged her eyes away from the arts block and set her mind to the task at hand.

Upon reaching her own classroom and giving her new teacher a half-hearted apology for her lateness, Katya sat down and stared out of the classroom window whilst the teacher droned on about some new extended project each student was expected to complete. What had just come over her? Usually never one to doubt herself, Katya was almost appalled at her actions, what was she thinking? What was it about Trixie that had made her act the way she had? She thought back to the interaction and cringed internally, hoping that she hadn’t scared the flower crown girl with her forwardness. Deciding that she had to focus on something, other than Trixie, Katya turned her attention to the teacher speaking at the front of the brightly lit classroom. She was going to do this project, and she was going to do it well. 

\------------

Chapter song: Harvest Moon by Neil Young


	3. You know I can break your fall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry that it's taken me so long to update the new chapter! I promise that I'll try to begin updating this more frequently- I've got the next few chapters planned out so hopefully the wait won't be too long! I'm still trying to improve my writing, and the dialogue is a bit clunky but hopefully I will improve over time so please stick with me. 
> 
> Quick PSA: this chapter has (very brief) references/allusions to mental health struggles and family drinking issues, so please take care around these particular triggers!
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who has left kudos and comments, I really really appreciate any feedback, good or bad <3

# Chapter Three: I want to stand with you on a mountain 

“Oh please,” said Trixie in a sarcastic tone, flicking a lock of her blonde hair behind her shoulder, “you’re clearly obsessed with me.” Trixie locked eyes with Katya and they both broke out into a fit of laughter. Katya’s wheezy laughter combined with Trixie’s cackle filled the canteen and a few people sitting at the tables around them turned to stare at the pair in slight bemusement. 

“Not at all!” Katya replied in a defensive tone, “you just smelt earlier and I felt I had to tell you, girl code and all”. Trixie feigned offense, letting out a gasp. “Yeah that’s right, clutch those pearls Mary”, Katya said, struggling to get her sentence out between bouts of laughter.

\-----

It had taken Trixie all the courage she could muster to ask Katya to find her at lunch, she was usually the shyer one when it came to friendships, but something about Katya had intrigued her; she found Katya’s lack of shame surrounding her earlier panic to be somewhat admirable. Trixie couldn’t think of anything worse than having a (what she assumed to be) mini panic attack in the middle of a school corridor, yet Katya had brushed it aside like it was nothing. She hated to admit it, but she was also thoroughly impressed by the fact that Katya had literally stopped an entire lesson just to find out her name. If that wasn’t a compliment she didn’t know what was. This girl wasn’t like the other people she knew, there was something different in her abrasive, yet deeply compassionate nature that compelled her.

Trixie had let out a heavy sigh of relief when she saw the bright eyed blonde walking towards her during the lunch break, sketchbook and notebook in hand. Trixie was waiting outside the science block, and when Katya wasn’t there at the turn of the hour she began to worry that she might have scared the blonde off. She stopped for a minute to question why she cared so much, ‘you literally don’t know this girl, she can stand you up all she likes, she doesn't owe you anything’ Trixie thought to herself, but in spite of this rationality, she had still felt an intense wave of relief wash over her as soon as she saw the blonde turn the corner. 

Katya’s media lesson had run over and she began to worry that Trixie might have already left to find her friends, thinking that she hadn’t bothered to show up. The thought of the flower crown girl standing alone outside the science block, watching the people turning the corner into the courtyard and not seeing her face among them, sent a pang of guilt though her. ‘Stop fantasising, she probably couldn’t care less whether you turn up or not,’ Katya thought to herself ‘she was just trying to be nice, stop thinking it’s anything more than that, we both know you like to get carried away…’ Katya let her intrusive thoughts get the better of her and promptly stopped in her tracks, was she making a mistake? She didn’t want to bother the flower crown girl, the last thing she wanted was to be a burden. She couldn’t stand being dependent on people, or things, and she knew that she couldn’t afford to be dependent on Trixie. She thought back to their interaction; the warmth and richness of Trixie’s laughter, the kindness she had shown her earlier when she was seemingly trapped in panic’s cruel grasp, the small squeeze of her hand as she had led her out of the classroom. Putting her misgivings to the back of her mind, Katya resumed her course to the science block and let out a visible sigh of relief at the sight of Trixie standing outside the building, holding her hands behind her back and rocking back and forth slightly on her heel. Katya grinned at the sight of her, increasing her pace as the flower crown girl caught sight of her and smiled.

\-----

The instant connection between them had taken both Trixie and Katya by surprise. Katya had always been socially outgoing and, though she did feel a slight sense of shame about the way she had stormed into the classroom earlier that day, she felt no sense of embarrassment. She needed to know the flower crown girl’s name and that was the only way to have found out. She had, however, felt an alarming sense of fear that the blue eyed blonde had (understandably, she thought) been put off by her earlier outburst. So far, though, it seemed as though Trixie was, if anything, impressed by her display of conviction.

“Ok so, be honest with me,” Trixie started, placing her hands on the table between them. Katya looked up, slightly alarmed by the girl’s sudden change in tone, “who gave you the right to talk to me?” Trixie began in a serious, lowered voice, but evidently found herself too funny and was unable to finish her sentence before laughing again. 

Katya grabbed her hand and laughed, flailing her free arm around her, which only added to Trixie’s amusement. “You have a nerve!” Katya said looking at Trixie, “don’t mock the mentally ill”. The comment was obviously made as a joke, but the bluntness and openness with which Katya spoke about her struggles slightly took Trixie by surprise. 

“It’s ok, I’m not serious, I am a living, walking mockery”, Katya said with conviction, evidently worried that she may have been too open too early.

“No, no it’s ok, if we can’t laugh about our problems I don’t know who can. But if you start making jokes about an absent step-father with a drinking problem we are going to have issues.” Trixie was surprised at how fast she was opening up to this girl she had just met, not even some of her closest friends knew about her strained family life, but something about Katya made her feel completely safe- a feeling she had only ever experienced a few times in her life. 

“So what’s your deal, flower crown girl?” Katya asked. Trixie noticed that she didn’t appear to be bothered or concerned by what she had just said, and gave her a look of appreciation. 

Though Trixie was evidently prepared and comfortable enough to be open about her past, Katya knew better than anyone that thinking about it for too long can cause problems for everyone involved, and so decided to steer the conversation in a different direction. And, judging by the look that Trixie just gave her, she had responded in the right way. 

“Mine is a woeful tale,” Trixie began in a jokingly sombre voice, “pushy parents, overly ambitious siblings, squashed passion for country music.”

Katya pretended to inspect the girl sitting across from her, “Oh I see, it all makes sense now”, she said smiling as she reached out for the other girl's hand. “I’m really sorry if you got into trouble earlier, I can go and speak to vulture woman if you want, it was supid of me to just burst in like that.” 

Trixie, who usually responded very badly to physical touch from anyone she hadn’t known for a long time, let the bright eyed blonde’s hand rest in her own. She had been given detention earlier, and the scene which ensued after Katya had left had not been a pleasant one. But looking into Katya’s earnest eyes, she knew she couldn't tell her, she knew that she would feel responsible, and the last thing Trixie wanted was to cause another possible panic. 

Katya sensed Trixie’s hesitation and felt her heart sink, “Lord that vulture woman is such a bitch, I’m so sorry” she said, evidently very upset that she had caused such an unnecessary punishment. 

“No it’s absolutely fine, don't worry!” Trixie responded, taking the forlorn girl’s hand into her own, “it was worth it really”.

“I’ll come with you!” Katya said, suddenly looking up at Trixie, “they know I’ve had a few issues recently and will probably just think I’m some wacko sitting in the corner”. She silently willed Trixie to agree, and after a long pause the girl sighed and relented.

“Ok fine, but I really don’t know why you’d voluntarily put yourself through what is going to be a torturous two hours with vulture face” Trixie said with a laugh. Though she didn’t want to show it, Trixie was really touched by the fact that Katya had immediately volunteered to come with her, not even her closest friend Kim would have agreed to something like that. 

Katya was relieved that Trixie had agreed, at least now she could try and make up for landing Trixie in detention unjustly. She would never usually have actively decided to stay in college any longer than necessary, but something about Trixie made her want to stay in as long as possible. There was something fascinating about her, and Katya was unreasonably warmed that she had taken the time out of her day to have lunch with her. She realised that Trixie probably had 100 other places to be right now, but she had allocated this time to her, and for that she was extremely grateful. 

“The detention is after college today, I’ve been told I have to clean all the science lab’s safety goggles” Trixie said with a disgusted look on her face, evidently appalled by the prospect of spending hours wiping down smeared plastic glasses. 

Katya wheezed at the expression on Trixie’s face, “can’t wait!” she said sarcastically, secretly pleased that she would have more time to spend with her. “I’ll see you then, unless you run in to me having another breakdown within the next two hours which, knowing me, is very possible!”

Trixie cackled and turned to head to her next lesson, smiling slightly as she thought about the prospect of spending her detention with Katya. As much as she hated to be reprimanded for something that really wasn’t her fault, Trixie found herself counting down the minutes until the end of the day. 

As she sat staring at the whiteboard, Trixie reflected on the lunch she had just had. She was inexpressibly glad that she had decided to have lunch with Katya alone rather than introducing her to her friends immediately. It’s not that she thought Katya would have any trouble getting along with them, a conclusion which had only been cemented further by the previous hour they had shared, but the last thing she wanted to do was intimidate her. Trixie knew better than anyone that her friends could sometimes be, putting it nicely, on the blunt side, and she decided that it would be best to wait a while before immersing Katya into that environment. Trixie realised with a start that there could be a second element to her deferral; maybe she was scared that Katya would get along with some of her friends better than she did with her. Trixie reflected on her friendship group, and her mind immediately went to Violet, the tall, rail thin girl with long jet black hair. Trixie realised with a pang that Violet would be all over Katya, if her assumptions were correct. Placing her chin in her hands, Trixie stared out of the classroom window, longing for the day to be over and hoping, in spite of herself, that Katya would keep her promise and actually show up for the detention. Allowing herself one last glance towards the arts block, Trixie turned her attention to her work, head filled with thoughts of the bright eyed blonde who she had a sense would change her life for the better.

\------------

Chapter song: Breaking Falls by Dan Michaelson


	4. I hear the clock tick and think of you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so so sorry that it's taken me so long to update this chapter, I promise I will try to do more regular updates in the coming weeks! I know that all the chapters have been a bit short so far so I will definitely try to make them a bit longer as I go along, hopefully the writing will come a bit more naturally as I progress!  
> Thank you so much for all the support so far, and please feel free to leaven suggestions/criticisms/feedback in the comments, I appreciate it all <3
> 
> Quick PSA:  
> This chapter, and probably the majority of chapters to follow, will contain references to mental health, poor family relationships and previous substance abuse, so please heed this as a tw and stay safe!

# Chapter Four: I hear the clock tick and think of you 

Katya awoke with a start, sweating profusely as she shakily reached towards her phone to check the time. The screen lit up, painfully bright against the darkness surrounding her. Squinting slightly, Katya read the time, knowing full well what the clock would tell her before she even looked. 3 am. Her heart sank at the confirmation of her suspicion. She hadn’t woken up like this in a while, but every time she did she was immediately teleported back a year and a half, as though no time at all had passed. 

Pushing herself up onto her elbows, Katya stared into the darkness around her. The familiar sense of panic began rising in her chest, just as she knew it would. She pulled her legs to her chest and held them there, trying to make herself as small as possible in an attempt to shield herself from the thoughts bombarding her head. 

Katya found the night time hard, she always had. Even when she was little she would often wake up, riddled with anxiety over some childish problem. Upon waking up she would tiptoe to her parents room, opening the door just wide enough to see if they were awake. Creeping into their room as quietly as possible, Katya would make her way over to her dad’s side of the bed, gently tugging on his hand in an attempt to raise him from sleep to scare her bad thoughts away. And every time he would. He would sit up, gazing down at her sleepily, and then pull her up into his arms and wrap her in a warm embrace, whispering Russian comforts into her bright blonde hair.

‘Mаленькая звезда, маленькая кукла, ты в порядке’

Nothing, no thought, no worry, could get to her when she was in his arms. 

Katya squeezed her eyes closed as the memories of her papa flooded back, desperately trying to fight back the lump she could feel rising in her throat. Why now? Why did she have to wake up now, just as things were starting to look slightly better. 

She looked over at the chest of draws which contained her cigarettes, contemplating whether to give in to her craving or not. If there’s any time to be kind to myself it’s now, she thought to herself and, grabbing her phone, Katya grabbed the packet and set her sights on the front door. She knew all too well the kind of immense panic her mother would feel if she awoke to find her missing from her bed, so she scribbled a rushed note for her on a magazine cover strewn on the kitchen table. Katya tentatively opened the front door and stepped out onto the deserted street and was immediately hit by a cool breeze of crisp night air.

Trying to regulate her breathing as best she could, Katya checked her phone again, only to find a message waiting for her on the bright screen. She assumed that the message was from her phone company, telling her that she had used up the entirety of her data plan, or something equally as mundane. Unlocking her phone, Katya felt her heart almost stop in her chest. An onslaught of messages from Trixie. 

Tracey Martel 

3:15 am

_Just messaging to say that I really enjoyed detention today :) ___

____

_Not something I thought I’d ever say ___

______ _ _

_Can we have lunch again tomorrow? ___

________ _ _ _ _

_I want to introduce you to some people ___

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

_If that’s ok, please don’t feel you have to! ___

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Katya felt her hands shaking slightly as she typed out a response, completely forgetting about the state of anxiety she had been less than a minute before.

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

3:16 am

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_Yes of course! ___

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_I’m glad I found you flower crown girl ___

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Biting her thumb nail nervously, Katya reached into her pocket with her other hand and rummaged around for her cigarette and lighter, but her phone screen lit up one more before she could pull them out.

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

3:16 am

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_Girl what are you doing awake?? ___

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Removing her hand from her pocket, Katya smiled as she typed her reply.

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_Oh please, are you shocked by my crippling insomnia? It’s the least of my worries. ___

____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Katya tapped the side of her phone with her forefinger, half expecting Trixie to have turned off her phone and gone to sleep.

____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_You and me both! Is everything ok tho? I don’t think looking at a screen is the best way to encourage sleep ;) ___

______________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Katya was slightly taken aback by the level of concern that Trixie was displaying. As depressing as it sounded, she had never had anyone her own age express a genuine concern for her. Of course she’d had the constant stream of doting therapists and the unconditional love and support of her mama, but this felt different. This felt new. 

______________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_You’re one to talk ___

________________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_Things aren’t great to be honest, but I’ll be ok! ___

__________________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Trixie’s reply was immediate. 

__________________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_Are you sure? I can come round if you want to talk about it? ___

____________________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Katya looked at the message in amazement, no one had ever offered to drive over half an hour just to come and check if she was ok, and she blushed slightly at the thought. 

____________________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_Honestly it’s ok, don’t worry, it’ll pass ___

______________________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Katya’s finger hovered over the send button as she contemplated telling Trixie how much her apparent care meant to her, but decided against it. She knew her tendency to be dependent, and was painfully aware of the fact that, one day, she might become too attached to the flower crown girl, but right now she did not care. All she cared about was not scaring her away. If her previous impromptu interruption of Trixie’s lesson hadn’t scared her off, a string of messages saying how much she meant to her certainly would.

______________________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_Tell me about it tomorrow? ___

________________________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Katya’s heart leapt in spite of herself. Usually filled with a sense of dread when tasked with opening up to someone she had just met, Katya felt almost excited to spend time with Trixie. There was something so comforting about her presence, something soothing. She felt that they could sit together for hours on end and, even if no words were shared between them, it would be an enjoyable experience.

________________________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_I’ll tell you about it tomorrow ___

__________________________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_Now get some sleep or you’ll never be able to focus in all those challenging classes you do ___

____________________________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_Trigonometry, meteorology, scientology, can’t remember the specifics but I’m sure sleep helps them all ___

______________________________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Katya looked down at her phone once more to read Trixie’s final message.

______________________________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_Ok ok ok ok, i hope you get to sleep ok <3 ___

________________________________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Katya looked up from her phone and realised, to her dismay, that a smile was plastered onto her face. Why had this small interaction made her feel so warm? She was reminded of her first encounter with the flower crown girl, who had inexplicably lifted her from her first day back panic. She had done it again, somehow managing to make her mood turn a full 180 degrees. 

________________________________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Katya forgot her panic, she forgot her anxiety, she even forgot the intense nicotine craving she had been feeling, all she could think about was the bright eyed blonde who had, one again, pulled her out of panic. She knew that this wasn’t normal. No thing and no one had ever been able to make her feel the way she did now, and the prospect of this somewhat unknown experience slightly scared her, but not in the way she was scared of other things; this wasn’t like a fear of the dark, a fear of disappointment, a fear of abandonment, this was a new kind of fear, a fear that wasn’t inherently bad. Sure she had a history of dependence, but maybe that wasn’t a bad thing, maybe this time it was different. 

________________________________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

\------------

________________________________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Chapter song: Time After Time by Iron & Wine

________________________________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	5. I think of how you know me, no doubts no thinking twice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to add this chapter! I know that it's all still a bit clunky, but I really hope that my writing is slightly improving (?) as I go on.  
> I will really try to update this more frequently, but I feel like uploads may be a bit sporadic!  
> I hope that you're enjoying this fic, and if you have any comments/suggestions I would love to hear them! <3

# Chapter Five: I think of how you know me, no doubts no thinking twice 

# 

“It’s going to be ok! I promise they’ll all love you,” Trixie said, squeezing Katya’s hand comfortingly, “well, maybe not all, but I’m sure some of them will find you bearable!” Katya let out a wheezy laugh and clutched at Trixie’s arm as they made their way to the college cafeteria. 

“Oh please, they’ll all fall in love with me instantly, just you wait.” Katya retorted, although there was a hint of anxiety in her voice which Trixie picked up on immediately. 

“Genuinely, and I’m being serious here, you will be fine”, she said, trying to make her voice as comforting as possible. She hated to see the blue eyed blonde so anxious and, as good as Katya was at hiding her nerves, it was obvious to Trixie that she had been dreading this moment for quite some time. 

“Are you sure they won’t mind me coming along?” Katya asked, looking her straight in the eyes. Trixie felt her stomach squirm as she stared right at her, something about the look of sincerity and conviction in Katya’s face made her feel more things than she’d care to admit. 

Katya looked at the tall blonde leading her to meet her friendship group, wishing that she could have one scrap of the level of self confidence that Trixie seemed to have. Sure, she was outgoing and usually socially confident, but something about the idea of finally meeting Trixie’s friends filled her with dread. Katya could feel her palms sweating as they rounded the corner, and she self-consciously wiped her hands on the side of her jeans. She began to feel the inexplicable urge to turn on her heel and run away, but she had left it too late, and now Trixie was waving enthusiastically at a group of people sitting at a table on the far end of the cafeteria. Taking her hand, Trixie led her towards the table, smiling broadly. 

“Hi guys, this is Katya, the one I’ve told you about”, Trixie said shyly. 

“So this is the illusive Katya,” said the lazy eyed brunette who had her legs up at one end of the table, “we’ve heard so much about you.” the girl finished, smiling warmly at her.

“Pearl!” Trixie started, shooting her a dirty look from across the table, to which the brunette just rolled her eyes and smiled.

“God, most of it terrible I assume?” Katya replied with a small laugh, hoping that the group wouldn’t detect how nervous she really was.

“Not at all!” chimed the more demure girl sitting next to Pearl, “Trixie hasn’t stopped talking about you since last week, we’ve all grown accustomed to blocking her voice out.”

Trixie blushed slightly, reaching over the table to slap the girl’s arm. “This is Kim”, she said, addressing Katya, “I’ve known her for years and she’s still a bitch.”

Kim laughed, “It’s really nice to meet you!” she said before turning back to the salad in front of her. 

“And I’m Violet”, said the tall, raven haired girl sitting across the table from Peal. She extended a hand towards Katya, who took it apprehensively.

“I haven’t done that with someone since my weird uncle came over from Russia and told me that he would curse me if I didn’t shake his hand” Katya said with a shy giggle. Violet looked taken aback for a second, and then shook her head back in laughter, the rich sound filling the canteen. Katya was slightly in awe of the girl’s high cheekbones and slender figure, unable to keep her eyes from roaming as she watched the girl resume her previous conversation with Pearl. 

Trixie pulled up chairs for the two of them and, just like that, Katya seemed to have been accepted into this new group of friends. She felt a warm sense of belonging flood over her as Trixie started talking about some joke her class had had at the teacher’s expense. Katya watched her as she spoke, noticing the fervour with which she spoke. She wasn’t really listening to what the blonde was saying, more preoccupied by the small lines that formed at the sides of her lips whenever she laughed, the brightness in her eyes as she talked. 

“Katya? Why didn’t you find that funny? I was laughing about that the whole drive home yesterday!” 

Katya looked up into the girl’s earnest face and suddenly felt guilty for making her lack of attention so obvious. “No, I mean yes, it’s funny! Sorry, I was too busy thinking” She responded with a sheepish grin. 

“Oh, so we’re thinking now are we? Sounds ominous” Trixie joked.

“She was too busy undressing you with her eyes Trixie”, Violet butted in, looking at Katya with a glint of mischief in her eye. 

Trixie turned away from the raven haired girl with a sigh of indignation, making Katya burst out into a fit of wheezy laughter.

“You’re just jealous that I’m looking at her and not you” she retorted, at which Violet screamed in mock indignation, throwing the uneaten half of her bread roll in Katya’s direction. Katya caught it deftly in her right hand and began to eat it, making the girl laugh even harder. 

Trixie looked between the two in slight disbelief- she had feared this reaction from Violet, giving her fresh prey was always risky business. Trixie hated that about her, the fact that she constantly felt slightly apprehensive when she was around, and now more so than ever. She didn’t want history to repeat itself, least of all with Katya. Trixie felt a slight pang in her chest as she watched the blue eyed blonde joke around with Violet, thinking back to the events of the previous year. Surely Violet wouldn’t go there again, and not with Katya, would she? 

Katya felt the change in Trixie, who sat silently looking down at her hands, and reached out her hand. “Are you ok?” she whispered, looking at the blonde beside her in concern. 

Trixie tried to shake herself out of it, “Yeah I’m fine,” she replied, trying to force a smile, “I’m meant to be the one making sure you’re ok, not the other way round”.

“I’m like a duck to water,” Katya laughed, “you should introduce me to people more often, I was beginning to feel like the secret mistress on the side.” 

Trixie cackled and took the girl’s hand in her own. “You’re the best mistress I’ve ever had” she teased, making Katya spit out the water she had just sipped in laughter.

“I’m so sorry!” she said, looking at Kim, who had just fallen victim to her sudden outburst. 

“You’re lucky I was thirsty!” she replied good naturedly, chuckling as Katya leaned over to wipe up her mess.

Katya felt completely at home, laughing with Kim, periodically glaring over at Violet, sharing remarks with Pearl, she wondered why Trixie hadn’t introduced her to her friends sooner. 

As the lunch period was beginning to draw to a close, a tall, dirty blonde began to make his way over to their table. Watching him from the corner of her eye, Katya saw him falter slightly as he came over, apparently nervous. 

Trixie followed her gaze and saw Morgan walking over, and her heart sank. Couldn’t she have one lunch, a single lunch period, without him pestering her? It’s not that she minded his company, she actually felt very comfortable around him, it was more the constant pestering that she couldn't bear. 

Kim smiled at him as he approached the table. “Morgan! I was wondering when you’d get here, you nearly missed lunch!”

Morgan grinned at her, “I’m sorry, football ran over”, he droned, smiling at everyone on the table but Trixie. 

“Morgan, this is Katya, the new girl I told you about”, Trixie said, obviously unfazed by his apparent attitude. 

“Oh yes,” he said cooly, “the one who went missing for a few years.”

Katya stared at him, unsure how to respond. “What can I say”, she retorted, “the place fell apart without me.”

Trixie cackled, and Katya felt her heart lift at the sound. 

“Evidently”, Morgan replied curtly, and turning to Trixie asked “are we still going out this weekend?”

Trixie sighed and turned in her chair to face him, “Morgan, I’ve already told you I’m busy, I promise it’s nothing personal.”

Katya did a double take as she realised what Trixie, who had agreed to go to the cinema that Saturday, was saying; she had stood up Morgan in order to hang out with her. She turned away from the pair in an attempt to hide her smile, but Violet jeered at her as soon as Morgan had turned to walk away. 

“Not Miss Trixie standing him up to hang out with her new play thing!” she said in an almost triumphant tonne, “just you wait until he sees the two of you in action.”

“In action?” Trixie questioned, looking slightly embarrassed. 

“You haven’t been able to take your eyes off each other,” she insisted, “except when Katya was checking me out but I was only a very brief distraction!” 

Pearl laughed, “Trixie, you can’t deny that you have barely said two words to me this whole lunch.”

The blonde laughed and looked down, and Katya had never seen her look so demure, so she stepped in. 

“It’s true, we’re practically married already, feel free to come to the wedding,” The group all laughed, except Violet who just rolled her eyes, “just you wait until we pick the bridesmaids.”

Trixie looked at the blue eyed blonde beside her, relishing in these new found friendships. It felt like she was seeing Katya in a new light, not just as the new girl who needed a friend, but as someone who she could now not envision her life without. She watched her throw her head back in laughter at some joke Kim had told, she felt like she had never seen her look so uncomfortable and yet so at ease. She smiled to herself, thinking about the terms ahead they would share together, wishing that she could stay in this moment forever.

\------------

Chapter song: I’ve Loved You before by Melissa Etheridge 


	6. She may be the reason I survive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry again for the time it's taken me to publish this chapter, it's a bit longer so I hope that slightly makes up for the delays!   
> I really enjoyed writing this chapter, so I hope you enjoy reading it <3  
> As always, any feedback/criticism/comment is really appreciated!

#  Chapter Six: She may be the reason I survive 

Katya looked at herself in the mirror, blotting the lipstick on her rouged lips with a tissue. She wanted to look perfect today, as though her appearance would reflect the effort and thought that had gone into today’s preparations. Katya had been half dreading, half nervously anticipating today after hearing that Trixie had cancelled other plans to hang out with her- the last thing Katya wanted was to make her regret that decision. As her second week at college drew to a close, Katya became increasingly anxious about Saturday. What if Trixie only agreed to spend time with her out of pity? What if she spends the whole day wishing she was somewhere else? Katya tried to pull herself from this spiral of negativity; Trixie, never one to mince her words, would never have agreed to meet up if she didn’t want to. She thought back to the previous week they had spent together; lunch times sitting with the group at their regular table in the canteen, laughing and joking together, sitting on the floor behind the arts building between lessons. Katya smiled at the thought and, brushing her skirt down with her hands, made her way downstairs. 

“Mama?” She called down the stairs, listening expectantly for a Russian tone of endearment in reply. 

“Yes Маленькая кукла?” Came the familiar response. Katya loved it when her mother used Russian pet names for her, her ‘little doll’. Even though they made her feel small and vulnerable, she felt as though that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. 

“I’m going to see Trixie in town today, you remember, the girl I told you about?” Katya said as she entered the kitchen, where she was met by her mama sitting at the oak table, stacked high with various piles of discarded paperwork. 

“Of course I remember, you haven’t stopped talking about her all week!” Her mother looked up and smiled, “I’m so glad she’s making college bearable for you, you don’t know how happy it makes me to see you light up again.” 

Katya looked down sheepishly, “I know mama, she makes me feel things again. I thought I was going to hate college, I really did, but now I couldn’t imagine not being there.” (With her) she thought, but stopped herself from saying so. She was all too aware of how her mama could read into certain situations, and she didn’t want her drawing any conclusions about a possible relationship between the two girls. Trixie was straight, she thought to herself, that much had been made clear by Morgan’s constant pining gaze towards her. Katya frowned visibly at the thought, something about him made her feel on edge, almost defensive. She felt on guard whenever he was around. 

Her mother picked up on the visible change in her daughter, “Is everything ok мое солнышко?” 

Katya looked up and smiled at her mother, “Yeah everything’s fine!” she lied, “I guess I’m just a bit nervous. We haven’t really spent much time together outside of college and I’m kind of scared she’ll get a bit sick of me.” She looked down at her hands clasped in front of her. She hated the extent to which her mind ran away with her. She hated overthinking, it made her feel weak, and she hated to feel weak. 

Her mama indicated to the chair beside her and Katya sat down reluctantly. “I’m not going to lecture you, because I know that’s not what you need, but if this girl is as lovely as you’ve said she is, she will be delighted to spend time with you.” 

Katya could feel her mother’s eyes boring into her, she knew she was right, and at that moment she felt a wave of gratitude wash over her. “Я тебя люблю mama” she replied. 

Her mother smiled and rose from the table with a sight, “You’d better get going, don’t want to keep your reason waiting!” 

“My reason?” Katya looked at her mama, the woman who had been her mother and her father, the woman who had been with her through her highest highs and, admittedly, her lowest lows. She looked into her ice blue eyes and, for the first time, saw how truly wise she was. Katya didn’t think she had ever really let on the extent to which she felt Trixie had already affected her life, and yet she hadn’t needed to, her mama already knew. 

Her mother met her gaze, “You know what I mean.” 

Katya smiled in response and made her way towards the door, not before picking up the bag she had prepared days in advance. Katya was going to ensure that Trixie wouldn’t forget agreeing to spend time with her. 

\------------ 

Trixie stood nervously on her doorstep, longing to see Katya’s old truck pull in to her driveway. She hated waiting, it made her feel neglected, even though she knew there was no way Katya would not show up, especially not after all the fuss she’d made about checking and double checking the time, and even which day, that they were meant to be spending together. 

Trixie had made a conscious effort with her appearance, wanting to show how excited she was to finally be spending time with Katya outside their restrictively timetabled college days. As much as she loved the times the two would sit together behind the art block, joking about how they had escaped the clasps of her, no _their _, friends, she was greatly looking forwards to spending time with Katya alone, properly alone. She was sightly taken aback by the fervour with which she had agreed to meet up with the bright eyed blonde; she usually liked to spend her weekends alone, devoting her spare time to teaching herself new songs on her grandad’s old guitar, but when Katya asked her if she’d wanted to meet up she hadn’t thought twice. She hoped that Katya felt the same.__

____

Despite the borderline outrageous fur coat she was fashioning, Trixie began to feel a chill run through her as the cold wind picked up its incessant blowing. Just as she thought she was going to have to retreat inside, she heard the familiar droning of a car engine pottering its way down the lane. She outwardly laughed and ran to the end of the lane, where she was greeted by a grinning Katya. 

____

“I am so sorry I’m so late,” she said immediately, “I would make up a good excuse, but in reality I got distracted by a little stall down the road selling bunches of paper flowers. I know that sounds made up, but look!” She reached down into the footwell of the passenger seat beside her and came up brandishing a beautiful bouquet of carefully folded paper blooms. 

____

Katya smiled as she saw the blonde’s face light up. “I thought of you immediately as I drove past, so here you go.” She handed the bundle to Trixie, who had now seated herself besides Katya in the front of the car. 

____

“They’re beautiful!” Trixie gushed, looking at the intricate details of the origami bouquet. “I guess they partly make up for the twenty minutes I was waiting in the freezing cold.” 

____

Katya smiled at her sheepishly, and Trixie noticed how startlingly white her perfect teeth looked against the ruby red lipstick she had carefully lined her lips with. “I really am sorry,” she said, “crank the heating up, this car’s sometimes a bit temperamental, but it does boast a decent heating system.” 

____

Trixie obliged, and soon the car was filled by warm air. “I thought you might have decided I wasn’t worth the trip”, she said, looking at Katya whose eyes were fixed on the icy road ahead. She bit her lip and turned towards Trixie with a grin. 

____

“Oh please, you could live two hour’s drive away and I would still have made the effort. may not be the most punctual, but I will always show up.” Trixie relaxed back into the warm leather seat. She knew that Katya wasn’t just talking about today. 

____

“Did you find the place ok?” She asked, knowing from past experience that her house wasn’t in the most accessible part of town. 

____

“I must admit”, Katya laughed, “I did slightly struggle. The satnav is broken on this pile of junk so I had to use my phone which was interesting.” 

____

“Christ, Katya,” Trixie said, concerned by the girl’s relaxed attitude towards this illegality, “I’d rather you arrive late than dead!” 

____

Katya snorted and re-focused her attention to the road ahead, “I think you’ll find I’m an excellent driver, Tracey. I assure you that we will arrive at our destination in one piece.” 

____

“Speaking of which”, Trixie interrupted, “where is it you’re taking me to? If I didn’t know better I’d think you were kidnapping me for a money heist or something.” 

____

Katya’s wheezy laughter filled the car. “My dubious history with the law is neither here nor there,” to which Trixie let out a cackle, “you’ll see when we get there.” 

____

Trixie, usually one to hate surprises, was slightly surprised by how at ease she felt in Katya’s company. She had never reacted well when people tried to throw her surprise parties when she was younger, much to everyone’s surprise given the fact that she usually loved the spotlight. Even Pearl, who once tried to surprise Trixie with a day trip to Disneyland, had failed to ease the unease she felt at the prospect of the unknown. But this felt different, refreshing even, and she allowed herself to really relax- a concept usually alien to her. 

____

Katya turned on the radio and began humming along to the lyrics. Though evidently no songstress, she held the melody well, and Trixie listened intently to her slightly raspy singing. _‘If you’re lost you can look and you will find me, time after time.’_

______ _ _

Trixie smiled as the music washed over her. Every so often Katya would intentionally say the lyrics the wrong way round; _‘I’m walking too far ahead, sometimes you picture me’ _, which made Trixie cackle with laughter. Katya, feigning oblivion, would carry on in this manner for whole verses, which made Trixie laugh harder. Katya would then look over, with a mock offended air, “What’s so funny? I know my voice is angelic, but I really don’t think it warrants this kind of reception!”__

________ _ _ _ _

Trixie wiped the tears from her eyes and grinned at the girl beside her, “You’re right, I am outrageous and I profusely apologise.” In response, Katya resumed her singing and the cycle repeated. Trixie quickly lost track of time, but three songs later Katya made it apparent that they were nearing their final destination. 

________ _ _ _ _

“I know this probably isn’t your usual scene, but please keep an open mind with this!” Katya said, looking at Trixie in earnest. Trixie suddenly felt a wave of anxiety rise in her, where had Katya brought her? What did she mean by ‘usual scene’? 

________ _ _ _ _

Katya sensed this apprehension and reached out to hold the blonde’s hand. “I promise it’s nothing bad, I’m just sorry it’s no five-star restaurant” she said. 

________ _ _ _ _

Trixie averted her eyes from the girl’s intense stare, “You really think I’m the type of person to frequent five-star restaurants?” she asked with a giggle. 

________ _ _ _ _

Katya let out a burst of wheezy laughter as the pair got out of the car, “Well you never know! In my defence, that fur coat screams spoon fed, rich oligarch’s daughter, does it not?” 

________ _ _ _ _

Trixie mocked offence, “Five ferrets died for this coat, I’ll have you know”, to which Katya looked genuinely taken aback. “I’m joking, of course I would never, you know I’m a vegetarian!” 

________ _ _ _ _

Katya led Trixie towards the barn-like building at the far end of the car park, constantly looking at the taller girl’s face nervously to gauge her reaction. “Katya,” she said sternly, “if you’ve taken me to a petting farm I am going to demand that you turn around and drive me home immediately.” 

________ _ _ _ _

The bright eyed blonde let out a laugh and clutched Trixie’s hand beside her, “no, no I promise it’s farm. Wait, let me cover your eyes as we walk in, I want to see your proper reaction!” Katya moved behind Trixie and placed her hands over her eyes. Trixie started slightly at the cool contact of skin, but quickly relaxed as the pair synchronised their steps as they approached the barn. 

________ _ _ _ _

“Ok, we’re nearly inside,” Katya said quietly into Trixie’s ear, “watch your step here, the ground slopes slightly.” Trixie edged forwards slowly until she felt a wave of warmth hit her, indicating that the pair had made it inside. 

________ _ _ _ _

Gently removing her hands, Katya moved herself in front of Trixie to see her raw reaction. “You can look now.” 

________ _ _ _ _

Trixie opened her eyes, squinting slightly as she adjusted to the light. Before her sat three rows of tables, each seemingly constructed from a disused wooden shipping crate. It turned out that they were, in fact, standing at the entrance of a converted barn. Fairy lights hung from the wooden beams across the ceiling, tealights inside mason jars sat at the centre of each constructed table, faux ivy vines were strewn along the windowsills. Trixie looked around her in amazement, struggling to take in this unfamiliar setting. Couples sat at each table, a warm glow radiated from a far corner on the left that Trixie assumed was the kitchen. To her delight she heard a soft, tuneful melody playing from the opposite end of the room, where a live band were playing folk music. She clasped her hands to her mouth in amazement, it was perfect. 

________ _ _ _ _

“Do you like it?” Katya’s nervous voice broke her from her trance, “We can go somewhere else if you’d prefer, I really don’t mind..” 

________ _ _ _ _

“Katya stop rambling,” Trixie cut her off lauging, “its perfect!” she said, looking down at the girl’s hopeful, upturned face. “How did you find this place? It’s so remote!” 

________ _ _ _ _

“The manager is a family friend. Oh, Trixie I’m so glad you like it, I couldn’t think of any other place I’d rather introduce you to” Katya beamed. “They do folk music nights every Saturday, in keeping with the whole ‘barnyard’ aesthetic, and I thought it couldn’t be more fitting!” 

________ _ _ _ _

Trixie looked at the glowing girl beside her and, for a moment, forgot everything else; this girl who had put so much thought into their evening together, this girl who had driven an hour just to pick her up, this girl who had thought about every detail just to make her smile. In that moment, Trixie knew that she had never felt happier, not with Pearl, not with Kim, but right here, with Katya, she felt immeasurably at peace. 

________ _ _ _ _

“Why would you do all this for me?” Trixie asked. 

________ _ _ _ _

Katya stared at her blissfully. “Потому что ты моя причина”, she said simply, smiling up at her. 

________ _ _ _ _

Trixie laughed, taking her hand, “One day I will become fluent in Russian just so I can understand you more.” And with that, the pair walked towards an empty table at the far end of the room, closest to the band who had just begun their Dolly Parton medley. 

________ _ _ _ _

\------------ 

________ _ _ _ _

Chapter song: She by Elvis Costello 

________ _ _ _ _


	7. You took my sadness out of context

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas and happy new year! I realise now that I have seriously mistimed my writing, so you'll probably be getting a few Christmassy chapters in the new year- I hope that's ok!  
> I want to take a moment to thank everyone who is still reading this, I really really appreciate it <3  
> This chapter contains reference to prior substance abuse and drug addiction, so please be careful if that might be a trigger for you.   
> Please leave any suggestions/comments below, I'd love some feedback on my writing :)

#  Chapter Seven: You took my sadness out of context 

Katya walked tentatively into the classroom and took her usual seat at the back of the room. She had been dreading today’s lesson for a while now, the thought of having to discuss her project with her teacher made her feel sick to her stomach with anxiety. Of course she realised how absurd she was being; Miss Brookes needed to go through each pupil’s Communication of Intent form in order to aid her understanding of each individual’s project, but this rationalisation didn’t help to ease the knot in Katya’s stomach. Katya knew that her choice of topic would be a controversial one, and the last thing she wanted was to face resistance from the teacher who would eventually determine her overall grade for this module. Was her decision to revisit the past a foolish one? What if Miss Brookes decided to fail here right there on the spot? 

Katya mapped out a rough sketch of a design board as, one by one, students were called to the front of the classroom to discuss their various concepts. Katya listened intently, trying to gauge how infrequently (or frequently) Miss Brookes would discourage students from certain topics that she deemed inappropriate or unsuitable for such a project. The knot in her stomach grew tighter as she proceeded down the register in alphabetical order; with a surname like Zamolodchikova, Katya was bound to be the last student to present her concept. 

She reflected again on the question set before her; ‘Utilise the arts to explore a formative experience’. Katya had known immediately what she wanted to focus on, even before hearing the project briefing. She wanted her piece to mean something, to have a positive impact on someone, anyone, even if it would be an excruciating process. Having struggled with substance abuse for a number of years, Katya couldn’t think of a better way to express its impact than in this project, but maybe she was being too idealistic, what if she was telling a story that people would rather not hear? 

Continuing with the sketch of her mind map, Katya thought of the various techniques she could use to express her past through the lens of her current progress- she was determined to ensure that her piece ended in a note of positivity rather than despair; yes she had struggled, almost fatally, from this disease that was addiction, but she had got through it, and maybe this project would show someone else that they have the ability to get through it too. 

“Katya?” came the shrill voice of Miss Brookes from the front of the classroom. Katya stood up from her seat, took a deep breath and made her way to the teacher’s desk. 

“Would it be possible for me to discuss my ideas outside?” She asked, preparing for the worst, but clinging on to the hope of an affirming answer. Whilst she was prepared to open up to her teacher about her slightly dubious past, she didn’t yet want the whole class to know the reasoning behind her year of absence. 

“Yes of course, whatever you’re more comfortable with”, she answered, but not before shooting her a quizzical glance. Miss Brookes followed her out of the door, and subsequently seated herself on a shabby looking sofa placed against the hallway wall. She indicated to the space beside her and Katya seated herself slightly apprehensively. 

Miss Brookes turned to face her with a reassuring smile, “I had a feeling you might want to talk away from the reach of prying ears. I want to preface this conversation by letting you know that anything you say to me now is completely confidential, but also that you don’t have to tell me anything you’re not comfortable with, this is a safe space for you to be honest with me about how you want to proceed with the project.” 

Katya let out a visible sigh of relief, “I was so worried you’d shut down any idea I had immediately!” she began, “I don’t know how much the college have told you, but I expect you know vaguely about the reasoning behind my absence last year?” 

“I know a bit, but obviously confidentiality ensures that I only know the essential details. Is this something you were considering for your project?” Miss Brookes asked, with no note of apprehension or concern in her voice, just one of care and reassurance. 

Katya looked up from her hands which were clasped nervously in her lap, “Yes I think so,” she faltered, “no, I know so. I’m determined to get through this with a positive outcome, if that makes sense. I feel like this might be the perfect way for me to finally put a lid on that chapter of my story.” She earnestly looked Miss Brookes in her eyes, “Obviously I don’t want my final display to be triggering for people, so I’ll be very careful with warnings and disclaimers, but I really think this might be a good thing. Addiction is so much more common than people realise, and I’d love to use this as an opportunity to reduce that stigma, even if it’s just for a single person.” Katya paused, realising that she had just outpoured a lot onto her teacher, and anxiously looked up to see how she had received this information. 

To Katya’s surprise, Miss Brookes looked neither angry nor concerned, but rather understanding. “I think it’s an excellent idea Katya, I really do, I just want to make sure that you can handle the strain that this might put on you?” 

“I promise I can handle this,” Katya said in response, “therapy may not have done much, but it definitely enabled me to both confront and become comfortable with my past. Do I have the ‘all clear’ to go ahead?” 

”You do.” Miss Brookes said simply, looking down at her. 

Katya grinned, “Amazing! Thank you so much!” She stood up and made her way back to the classroom where she would continue her project preparations, but the teacher called her name just as she reached the door. Katya turned to look back at her teacher, who was seated in the same spot. 

“Katya, please be careful, there’s a difference between confronting the past and dwelling in it. Make sure you don’t get sucked it.” 

“Don’t worry,” Katya said, trying to make her voice as reassuring as possible, “my skill for moderation is much greater now than it ever has been before!” 

\------------ 

“What the fuck Trixie? You think you can bring that up whilst we’re in the middle of a civil conversation?” Pearl spat at the girl sitting opposite her. Katya, who was approaching the group’s usual table carrying her lunch, haltered in dismay. Had she just misheard, or was Pearl actually tearing into Trixie? Pearl, usually so calm and collected, was red in the face with apparent anger and upset. 

Katya walked up behind Trixie and placed her hand on her shoulder. Trixie appeared not to notice, but she felt the girl’s posture shift slightly at the contact. “What’s going on? Are you guys ok?” Katya asked, trying to mask the rising panic she was feeling. 

“It’s nothing that concerns you,” Pearl glared at her from across the table, “Trixie here was just giving us a good old trip down memory lane.” 

Trixie shifted uncomfortably in her seat, “You know what I meant, Pearl. I wasn’t trying to start anything!” she said in a despairing tone, “I didn’t mean for you to react like this, I thought you knew!” Katya shot Trixie an inquisitive glance, which the blonde ignored. 

“Knew?! How could I have known. This is so fucking stupid, what sort of moron brings this up in the middle of a crowded cafeteria.” Pearl crossed her arms and leaned back in her seat, evidently waiting for Trixie to explain whatever it was she had done to cause this outburst. 

“Just leave it Pearl,” Violet implored from the seat beside her, “we don’t need to do this now.” 

“Of course you’d say that Violet, desperate to shift any blame for this off your own shoulders, I think we all know the role you played in this”, Trixie glared at the raven-haired girl sitting across from her. Katya stood back in amazement, she had never seen Trixie act so hostile towards anyone, let alone to one of her closest friends. Whilst it the sight scared her, she was also slightly in awe by the way in which the girl held her position. 

Katya hated any form of confrontation, and the thought of her new found group of friends splitting up before she’d even had a change to know them properly filled her with despair. “Is this something you’d rather deal with in private? I’m sure your teachers would let you off your next lessons if you want to deal with this now..” Katya began, but Violet cut her off- 

“This doesn’t involve you Katya, go stick your nose in someone else’s business.” The girl’s words felt like a slap across the face. 

“I was just trying to rationalise whatever drama it is you’ve created here,” Katya turned to Trixie, trying to gauge how hurt she was by whatever had gone down, “are you ok? Do you want to continue this now or are you done here?” She shot a dirty glare at Violet, who simply looked away in scorn. 

“Of course she’s siding with Trixie, I should have known.” Katya looked up, unsure of how she had suddenly become the focal point of this argument. “Has no one else noticed how those two haven’t kept their hands off one another since she got here?” Violet continued sarcastically, “Get a room.” 

Katya had heard enough, “Trixie, we’re going”, she said definitively, turning to walk from the canteen without looking to see if Trixie was following her. 

Trixie got up hurriedly and gathered her things, “You know I didn’t mean to start anything,” she said to Pearl imploringly, “this is the last thing I wanted. We’ll sort this out.” And with that she hurried after Katya, who was walking with surprising speed through the college courtyard. “Katya!” she called after her, slightly out of breath. 

Katya turned to face her, “Are you ok?”, all the malice had faded from her voice, and now she only seemed concerned that Trixie might be genuinely upset by the argument she had just witnessed. “I don’t know what happened, I didn’t mean to get involved, I’m so sorry” she said, throwing herself down on a bench and holding her head in her hands. 

Trixie sat down beside her and took Katya’s hand in her own, “hey, it’s fine, none of that was your fault! That argument had been brewing for months, I’m just sorry you had to witness it” she said, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible. She didn’t want to let on to Katya how much the argument had shaken her. 

“But what happened?” Katya asked, raising her head to look at Trixie with those piercing blue eyes, “I don’t understand where any of that came from, but I know I made it worse. Why did Pearl look so hurt?” 

Trixie looked down at her hand clasped in Katya’s, and then looked up into the girls honest gaze, there was something about Katya that rendered her incapable of telling anything but the truth. She had to be honest, as much as she hated the truth in this particular situation. “It’s a long story,” she sighed, “so I’ll try to be as brief as I can.” 

“Don’t be,” Katya interrupted, “I’m here to listen to whatever you need to say, take as long as you need.” She squeezed Trixie’s hand reassuringly and the girl smiled back at her. 

“If you’re sure!” Trixie sighed heavily and began recounting the events that had led up to the outburst Katya had just witnessed; “Basically, Pearl and I used to be really close, practically inseparable, and we were for a number of years. Pearl was always really open about her sexuality, ever since she was about twelve or thirteen she knew that she liked girls.” Katya looked up at the girl sitting beside her, listening intently. “I always really admired her conviction, how certain she was that she knew what she wanted. Something about Pearl always made me feel something different inside, something I’d never previously allowed myself to feel. I think it’s easier for me to identify those feelings in hindsight, but at the time I was so confused by everything, I didn’t know what I wanted, fuck, I barely even knew who I was.” 

Trixie was evidently fighting back tears, and Katya squeezed her hand comfortingly. “You don’t have to say anything you don’t want to”, she said, tucking a loose strand of Trixie’s hair behind her ear. 

“It’s ok,” Trixie said smiling, “I feel like I need to tell someone,” she chuckled, “and it’s not like there’s anyone I feel safer with than with you.” Katya leaned in to her, giving her the inexplicable strength to continue recounting her story. “I eventually realised that I had feelings for Pearl on the night of Prom, and was going to tell her how I felt-“ she faltered, evidently the memory was a painful one, “but I found her with Violet in the girls bathrooms before I had the chance. The two had been all over one another for weeks, but I stupidly never read anything into it. How wrong I was.” She shook her head, and her gaze dropped to the hands held in her lap. “I came to the conclusion that it was one of those classic ‘you want what you can’t have’ cases.” 

Katya looked up at her, “Thank you for telling me.” She paused, deciding whether or not to ask the question at the front of her mind. “Do you still have feelings for her? Is that why Violet got so aggressive?” Katya watched Trixie turn to face her, half dreading the answer she was about to receive. 

“No, not at all!” Katya fought to fight back a smile. She hated herself for the inexplicable happiness this confession had made her, especially when she looked back at the forlorn looking girl sat beside her, a girl who had just entrusted her with one of her greatest heartaches. “I thought Pearl knew that I used to like her, so I brought it up as a joke, nothing more, and Violet tore me to shreds.” Trixie’s eyes filled with tears and she buried her face in Katya’s shoulder. Katya leaned over, speaking Russian utterances into her hair as she stroked her shoulder comfortingly. “I didn’t mean to hurt her Katya, and what’s worse is that she went after you as well!” Trixie’s voice broke as she buried herself deeper into Katya’s being, no longer caring for any level of feigned indifference. 

“Don’t worry about me, моя кукла, you’re the focus right now.” It pained Katya to see Trixie so upset, but a part of her was overjoyed that she had felt comfortable enough to open up to her in such a manner. She pulled Trixie up and held her face in her hands, wiping the tears as they fell down her cheeks, “You are so beautiful, do you know that?” 

Trixie blushed, “Please, I look like a drowned rat, especially when I cry”, she moved her hand to Katya’s resting on her cheek, “I’m sorry for putting all of this on you.” 

“Why are you sorry? You have nothing to apologise for,” she said sincerely, then adding, “except that you ever had feelings for Pearl, that girl could live a thousand lifetimes and never deserve you.” 

Trixie laughed into Katya’s hand, “Thank you for being here for me,” Katya shrugged her shoulders, dismissing her words, “I mean it, Katya, you’re already becoming one of the closest friends I’ve ever had.” She pulled Katya in for an embrace, and the two sat there on the bench wrapped in each other’s arms. 

_’Friends’, _Katya thought to herself as she breathed in the scent of Trixie’s floral shampoo, her sweet body mist. She planted a kiss on the girl’s blonde curls, “Вы моя родственная душа, Trixie”.__

____

The girl looked up at her, smiling. “I hope you just confessed your love for me in Russian.” Katya brushed off this remark, and the pair walked hand in hand to the science block where Trixie had her next lesson. 

____

\------------ 

____

Chapter song: Mariners Apartment Complex by Lana Del Rey 

____


	8. You're the only one who makes me feel alive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to anyone who has made it this far! I don't know if anyone's still reading this fic or not, but I'm going to keep updating it anyway lol.  
> This chapter is a bit longer, I hope the story isn't feeling a bit too drawn out so far...  
> TW:  
> This chapter includes direct reference to past drug abuse, so please stay safe if thats a trigger!  
> ALSO, I feel like this fic is very centred around Katya and her perspective, so please comment if you want a few chapters from Trixie's perspective!

#  Chapter Eight: You’re the only one who makes me feel alive 

Katya sat alone in the dimly lit college library, feverishly sketching out the design for her final vision board. Her timetabled lessons had finished hours ago, but she couldn’t help but rush here as soon as she could to put her ideas down on paper. Her thoughts always rushed so fast, if she didn’t jot them down she would indefinitely forget them, and these were ideas she could not afford to forget. Katya inhaled deeply and leaned back in her chair, looking over the vision board before her. She smiled to herself, this was going to be something she would be proud of. She was determined to conquer this. As she lightly ran her hand over the sketches covering the page she thought back to Miss Brookes’ warning from the previous week: 

_‘There’s a difference between confronting the past and dwelling in it. Make sure you don’t get sucked it.’_

____

She hadn’t found the project remotely triggering so far; sure, she may have been struggling to sleep a bit recently, but that was probably just because she spent half the night talking to and exchanging jokes with Trixie over text. Katya found herself smiling at the thought of their late night conversations, and quickly turned her mind back to the task set before her. There was something missing, something she couldn’t quite put her finger on. The project needed another element to it. Earlier that day Miss Brookes had suggested that she make the project more personal- ‘how much more personal can it get?’ Katya had thought to herself, ‘I’m literally pasting my addiction on a wall for everyone to see’. She hated to admit it, but something about the teacher’s words had rung true. Her piece, so far, felt too clinical, too detached, she needed to somehow include a level of personality, but how? 

____

As she reflected on her dilemma, Katya found her mind wondering back to the dinner she had taken Trixie to the other week. Everything had felt so perfect, so natural. Katya hated to admit it, but she felt closer to Trixie now that she had ever felt with any friend from her past. Theirs didn’t feel like a normal friendship- Katya felt as though she could tell what Trixie would say before she said it, there was something about Trixie that made her feel completely and utterly at home. She could have had a terrible day, but something about Trixie’s presence made her feel inexplicably relaxed, just as she had the first day they’d met in the maths block. Katya had never really believe in soulmates, but her friendship with Trixie definitely seemed to be heading in that direction. She thought about how she’d even admitted this to her, thankfully in Russian so she couldn’t understand- she didn’t want to let on the depth of her feelings to Trixie for fear of scaring her off. 

____

That was when it hit her. Trixie. She could include Trixie in her project. She hurriedly rummaged around in her bag for her phone and pulled up Trixie’s contact, quickly drafting a text to send the girl. Her finger hovered over the send button, what if Trixie thought she was trying to use her in some way? Maybe she’d think I only befriended her for this? Katya hated to be opportunistic, but she could think of no better way to transform her project into a personal piece- this girl was rapidly becoming her anchor, her soulmate, it couldn’t get any more personal than that. 

____

Tracey Martel 

____

18:21 pm

____

_Hi Tracey, I have a question for you, but you might find it a little weird. I feel like I need to explain it in person. Are you free before lunch tomorrow? ___

______ _ _

Katya nervously tapped her index finger on the side of the phone as she awaited Trixie’s response, hoping she’d memorised the girl’s timetable correctly, maybe she’d misremembered and Trixie didn’t have a free period then at all. 

______ _ _

_Sounds ominous, I’m intrigued! I was literally just about to ask you to see me in my free period tomorrow, so yes I’ll see you then xx ___

________ _ _ _ _

Katya bit her thumb nail and smiled stupidly at her phone screen, she hated the fact that every text she received from Trixie sent butterflies right to her stomach. 

________ _ _ _ _

_I promise it’s nothing bad! It’s for my project thing, I just wanted to run it by you first ___

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

_Are you about to tell me that I’m going to be the face of your piece? I always knew my beauty would get me far ___

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_I’m afraid that’s not it, although you are the most beautiful person I have ever laid eyes on so that point still stands ;)_

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_Rightly so! I’ll see you tomorrow Katy xx ___

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Katya gathered her things and made her way to the college car park. She was sure Trixie would agree when she told her that the project involved a camera, although Katya doubted she would need any convincing. So far, Trixie has seemed eager to do anything she thought would make Katya happy; keeping her company when she smoked behind the arts block, even though she detested the smell of tobacco, sometimes suggesting that the pair had lunch alone together when Katya seemed to be feeling slightly overwhelmed- it was like as though Trixie knew her better than she even knew herself. 

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

\------------ 

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Trixie!” Katya called after the figure walking in front of her down the hallway. The blonde turned around and her lips immediately parted into a smile. 

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“I didn’t see you! I thought you’d forgotten that we were meeting, or that you’d abandoned me, either/or.” 

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Katya chuckled lightly and took the girls hand in her own, “As if I’d ever abandon you, I’m practically glued to your hip.” 

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Trixie smiled down at her and the pair walked to their usual spot in the common room; a slightly dilapidated looking blue sofa at the far end of the room, slightly separated from the mess of seats and tables in the centre of the room. It was only a few weeks into the new term, but people had already started to avoid this particular sofa, knowing that the two girls would likely be sat there together at any given moment. 

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

The common room was now decorated for the festive season; someone had evidently got a bit over excited and strewn garlands over every free surface. Katya tore off a piece of red tinsel taped to the arm of the sofa, “I hate Christmas”, she said in disgust, throwing herself down on the seat. 

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Hate Christmas??” Trixie said in horror as she sat down, kicking up her legs to place them nonchalantly in Katya’s lap and letting out a contented sigh as she laid her head back on the chair’s arm-rest. “How can you hate Christmas you scrooge.” 

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Katya giggled and looked at the girl strewn across her lap, “I don’t know, something about people all pretending to be happy and cheerful for the sake of public appearances.” The girl scrunched up her nose at the thought, making Trixie cackle with laughter. 

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“In that case, I’ll never to pretend to be happy around you ever again”, she said bluntly, her mouth cracking into a smile as Katya burst into a fit of wheezy laughter.

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“No need to pretend, I know you’re full of joy whenever I’m around, you’ve a very sunny disposition.” 

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Sunny disposition?” Trixie burst out, “Sunny? Me?” 

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Yeah, I take that back”, Katya laughed, “maybe more of a cloudy day, rainy? Hurricane?” 

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“You bitch!” Trixie screamed, leaning her head back on the sofa’s arm rest. “Moving on from me and my disposition, tell me,” she started, propping herself up on her elbows and grinning at the girl next to her, “what is this project you want me to star in? Because whatever it is I already agree”. 

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Katya picked at a ladder developing in the tights on Trixie’s thigh, looking at her thoughtfully. “You know the piece I’ve got to do for my media course assessment?” Trixie nodded, Katya had been texting her about it the other week. “I’m planning to take a shit load of polariods to accompany the main piece, and I was wondering if you’d mind being in some of them? You don’t have to say yes, but I will be walking straight out of here if you say no” Katya said, indicating the door across the room as Trixie cackled with laughter. 

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Yes, absolutely! I always knew I was born to be in front of a camera” she said, trying to hide the extent of her excitement. “What have you decided to do it on? I know you had a few ideas, but I don’t think you ever told me your final decision.” 

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Katya looked down, avoiding Trixie’s gaze, “The question is about using the arts to explore a formative experience,” Katya started, but Trixie had sensed her hesitance and sat up abruptly. 

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Katya, is this going where I think it’s going?”, her voice was laced with concern and she looked the girl beside her in the eyes earnestly. 

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Katya sighed, sinking further into the sofa beneath her. “It is, but I promise it’s something I want to do. I don’t want my past struggles to dictate my life.” Trixie looked at her sternly, evidently trying to work out the best way to respond to this proposal. 

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Are you sure you’re ready for this? Obviously I don’t know any of the details, but I just want to make sure that you’re ok.” She said, placing her hand over Katya’s which was still running up and down the ladder on her tights. 

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Katya looked up at her, warmed by the concern in Trixie’s expression. “I can tell you about it if you want?” 

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Trixie was taken aback by the girl’s honestly and lack of embarrassment surrounding her past. She knew that Katya had struggled with substance abuse, both from rumour and Katya’s own admittance, but she hadn’t wanted to ask questions for fear of being too intrusive. Of course she wanted Katya to tell her about her past, she wanted to know every detail about the life of this girl who had entered hers so suddenly and already changed it so dramatically. Something about Katya was so fascinating, the way she could light up a room just by entering it, the way she could perfectly gauge any emotion Trixie was feeling before she even expressed it, how she had no fear of confrontation and wouldn’t hesitate to stand up for what she felt was right. She nodded, “If that’s ok with you”. 

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Katya held Trixie’s hand in her own and traced the lines on her palm. “It started about two years ago when pressure from school started to increase, with exams and everything. I’m that classic case of the ‘formally gifted child’ who burnt out a bit too soon.” She looked away, now fiddling with a charm bracelet at Trixie’s wrist. “My dad left, at Christmas which makes him even shittier, and then suddenly everything felt too much, it was as though my whole world was burning down before my eyes, but I had no means of putting that fire out.” Katya avoided Trixie’s gaze, she didn’t want to see her reaction. “I turned to the only thing I could think of, all my common sense went out the window and just like that I became addicted. The euphoria stopped as quickly as it came, but by that point I had become too addicted to the process to just stop, not that I wanted to.” She turned to the girl beside her, raising her eyes to her face to see what her reaction had been so far. Trixie didn’t look disgusted, or angry, or confused as most people tended to when she opened up about her past. From what Katya could see, it looked as though Trixie was still waiting to form any opinion whatsoever, she was waiting for Katya to tell her whole story, reserving any judgement until she had spoken her truth. “It was bad Trixie, really bad.” Katya continued, “It was like I completely lost myself, I forgot who I was.” She returned her hand to Trixie’s thigh and shifted her position in the sofa. “Long story short, I went to a recovery centre, got sober and here I am!” 

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Trixie let out a sigh and turned to face the girl beside her, “You are the strongest, and most admirable person I have ever met.” She said this with the utmost sincerity. Trixie had never met anyone like Katya, she could not think of anyone she knew who could have battled both addiction and recovery and managed to come out the other side so full of life. Katya looked at her, unable to tell if she was being sincere. Trixie sensed her doubt, “I mean it!” she said, “And I have two brothers who are both in the army, so that is saying a lot.” 

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Trixie’s legs bounced up and down in Katya’s lap as she wheezed with laughter, “That’s quite the compliment from you Miss Mattel.” 

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Well I meant every word. Maybe not physically strong,” Katya clutched her arm as she laughed harder, “but mentally, absolutely!” 

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Katya placed a slap on the girls calf, “Oh fuck off, I could hands down beat you in a strength contest! You’re a literal barbie doll.” 

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Trixie feigned offence, and crossed her arms in indignance, “Arm wrestle me right here right now bitch!” 

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Katya shrieked with laughter and leapt up from the sofa, rushing to a nearby coffee table and pulling it up to their sofa. “Just you wait, my burning pussy gives me super strength” she grinned, cracking her knuckles as she kneeled down to place her elbow on the table. 

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Trixie was rolling her sleeve up, about to sit down next to the coffee table when she saw someone walk through the door on the opposite side of the room, “Trixie!” a man’s voice called. 

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Trixie glanced apologetically at Katya, who shot back a look of mock indignance, and the two walked across the common room towards him. 

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“What’s all this, Morgan?” Trixie asked, indicating the plastic bags that he had now placed on the table counter. 

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Christmas jumpers!” he said excitedly, “I even got her one!” he said turning to Katya. She couldn’t tell whether there was a malicious undertone to his voice or not. She was probably just being paranoid, a bit possessive of Trixie, that was all. 

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

She took the slightly garish coloured jumper Morgan was hold out towards her and pulled it over her head. Her plaited hair had fallen loose about her face, and Trixie tucked a loose strand behind her ear. “I’m honoured!” Katya said, trying to mask any apprehension she felt at the interaction. 

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“I got you one too, Trixie,” Morgan said, blushing slightly as he rummaged in the bag, pulling out a pink and white knitted jumper covered in hearts, “here you go.” 

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

He handed her the jumper and she looked at it in amazement, “God it’s perfect, thank you!” Morgan smiled and indicated for her to put it on, which she did immediately. Something about her golden blonde hair, her pretty brown eyes and that jumper made her look the prettiest Katy had ever seen her. 

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“It’s so Barbie!” Katya laughed, smiling at Morgan, “I don’t know where you found such a thing, but I’ve never seen anyone suit a Christmas jumper more.” He was evidently taken aback by this show of amiability and pushed his chest out slightly in pride. 

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“The others should be here in a minute, I thought we could do a secret santa or something for the whole group? I know I haven’t asked you both yet, but everyone else seemed to think it was a good idea.” He looked shyly towards Trixie who was already grinning at the thought. 

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Yeah, I’d love that,” she began, looking towards Katya, “isn’t that a good idea? I hope I don’t get Violet again this time, last year I panicked and just bought her a candle,” Katya grabbed Trixie’s arm as she laughed, “safe to say she was not amused.” 

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Pearl, Violet and Kim burst into the common room, all fashioning Christmas jumpers given to them by Morgan. It had been just over a week since the argument between Trixie and Violet, and things seemed to have sorted themselves out between them, although there was still a slight coldness in Violet’s expression as she walked into the room to see Trixie standing there. Katya saw the blonde’s shoulders tense slightly and reached out to put her arm around her waist. 

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Kim, oblivious to any level of apparent tension, beamed at the sight of her two friends in their Christmas jumpers, “Morgan really did well with yours, Trixie!” she said, admiring the jumper she was now fashioning. “If only I had been so lucky”, she indicated the navy blue jumper she was sporting which depicted the bottom two segments of a snowman. The look of distain on her face made Trixie cackle with laughter, “Don’t laugh! It’s enough that I have to wear it all day.” 

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Can we _please _sit down?” Pearl droned, “my sports teacher just made to run laps of the football pitches and I feel like my legs are about to drop off.” Violet put her arm around the girl’s waist and led her to the nearest set of sofas, where the pair flopped down in a heap.__

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Trixie shot Violet an inquisitive look, “She got caught smoking a joint behind the changing rooms,” Violet explained, rolling her eyes at Pearl’s limp figure, “she’s lucky it was just laps.” 

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“For fucks sake Pearl, there’s a time and a place!” Trixie said, unable to conceal a smile. She sat down on a sofa across from the pair and Morgan made his way to sit beside her. “You know what you need? Another joint”, to which Pearl simply gave her the middle finger. Kim slumped down in an armchair laughing, leaving Katya standing awkwardly at the edge of the circle of seats. 

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Sit down, Katya”, Pearl said, raising her head from the sofa, “You’re making me tired just looking at you.”

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Katya looked for a vacant seat and, finding none, made her way over to Trixie and Morgan’s sofa, “Budge up bitches, I’m squeezing in.” Morgan just looked at her, but Trixie obliged, moving closer to Moran to accommodate Katya on the two-person seat. 

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

After some re-positioning, Trixie ended up half on Katya’s lap and half on Morgan’s. She rested her head on Katya’s shoulder, “What was it we were saying about a secret santa?” 

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“He’s already written out the names!” Kim chimed in excitedly, “We still need to decide a budget, but I was thinking we could do something a bit more personal this year?” 

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Yeah, I’m happy with anything except a candle,” Violet said, looking at Trixie who held up her hands in defence. 

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“I’ll admit it wasn’t my finest moment. I think that’s a really good idea Kim! Saves me from another Christmas of bankruptcy.” Kim beamed at this praise and looked towards Katya, 

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

”You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to, but we’d love you to join!” Katya looked at the girl sitting across from her affectionately, she was one of the sweetest people she had ever met, and had made her feel welcome in the group ever since their first encounter. 

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Yeah I’d love to join,” Katya said, turning to Violet “I’ll avoid all wax products that might bring up past traumas.” 

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Violet roared with laughter, “I swear to god, if I get another self-care themed gift this year I am going to exclude the pair of you for a week.” 

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Katya leaned her head on top of Trixie’s as the others burst into conversation around them. To her, nothing else mattered, just that Trixie was here, sitting by her. She wound a piece of Trixie’s hair around her finger, “Thank you for finding me”, she whispered softly into her hair, so faintly that Trixie could only just make out her words. 

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“I’ll always find you” she whispered back. 

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

\------------ 

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Chapter song: Curl up & die by Matt Maltese 

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	9. Don't let it fool you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bonjour! I feel like this chapter isn't as polished as I'd like it to be, but I really wanted to post it anyway. I hope the dialogue isn't too clunky!  
> I think I'm going to try and incorporate more of Trixie's perspective in future, but I'm not 100% sure yet. I'd love some feedback on some of these longer chapters, so feel free to leave anything in the comments :)

#  Chapter Nine: Don’t let it fool you 

# 

“You fucking bitch, Kim. I look horrendous in that one! Don’t you dare hand that one round” Trixie whined as she looked at the photo Kim had just taken of her and Katya, which was now being handed between Violet and Fame, a tall willowy girl who had just returned from her exchange trip in Switzerland. 

“It’s honestly not that bad, Trixie,” Fame reassured her, handing the polaroid back to Kim, “you should have seen some of the horrific photos my mum put up of me on her facebook when I got home the other day. It should be classed as a hate crime.” Violet seated herself beside Fame, resting her elbow on the girl’s knee. 

Trixie turned to face Katya, “If you use that in your final piece I will kill you with my bare hands. I always look a mess when I stand next to you”, she said as she entwined Katya’s hand in her own. 

“We all know you love yourself Trixie,” Katya laughed, “there’s no need to put up all this front of false modesty.” Trixie shrieked and slapped the girl’s arm playfully, “besides, you look fucking amazing. Now shut up and pose for the goddammed photo.” 

Kim raised Katya’s polaroid camera to her eye once more as Trixie leaned into Katya and the girl responded by drawing her hand around her waist, pulling her closer to her side. Katya planted a kiss on Trixie’s cheek and the flash indicated that the picture had been taken, but the pair remained, standing side by side as though their lives depended on it. 

“You two look amazing!” Kim glowed, waving the printed photo in the air in a bid to make it develop faster. 

“They look like a fucking married couple”, Pearl droned from her seat on one of the common room sofas, smiling at the pair. 

“They’re in the honeymoon phase,” Violet chimed in, “give it a couple of months and we’ll have to fight just to get them in the same room together.” Katya glared at her from across the circle, to which Violet just shrugged her shoulders. 

“Give it a rest, Vi, they look cute,” Fame said as she nudged the girl beside her with her shoulder, “you’re just jealous because the newcomer is interested in someone other than you.” Violet sat in silence, glaring at Fame who was smirking slightly in victory. 

Katya knew that Violet didn’t speak out of malice, but the thought of her and Trixie falling out made her feel sick to her stomach. “Stop praying on our downfall, we all know you just want a piece of this pussy” Katya retorted, forcing a laugh as the raven haired girl shrieked and threw a cushion at her head, missing by an inch. 

Trixie had been standing still throughout this exchange, lowering her face to the ground. Though her once unbearable feelings for Pearl were now little more than a slightly tender memory, it still hurt to hear her reference her sexuality for anyone in the room to overhear. And Violet’s words only made it worse. Her and Katya could never fall out, not even if they tried. Trixie knew that the girl lying lazily across the sofa was just making an observation and that she didn’t mean any harm, pearl never did, but something about the comment raised a tightness in her chest, and suddenly she was finding it difficult to breathe. She pulled away from Katya and turned to face the door, trying to hide any level of hurt which she might have conveyed on her face. 

Katya sensed this sudden change in Trixie’s mood and turned to face her, their backs to the rest of the group. Katya reached out her hand to touch her arm, “Hey,” she said pulling her out of earshot from the others who had moved on to discussing some drama between Alaska and Morgan, “are you ok? I can go and knock Violet’s lights out if you want?” 

Trixie chuckled quietly, amused by Katya’s tone of absolute sincerity. “It’s fine don’t worry, we all know she’s a bitch. She didn’t mean it.” Katya couldn’t stand to see the defeated look in Trixie’s eyes as she stood there, shuffling her feet uncomfortably. 

Katya touched Trixie’s cheek, raising the girl’s head to her own, “I’m sorry if it’s my fault these comments keep coming up, I do realise that I’m quite full on. I can stop treating you like my wife in front of everyone if you want?” 

Trixie stared into Katya’s ice blue eyes, noting their glint of mischief as the smile lines developed at either side of her face. “It’s not that,” Trixie returned Katya’s smile, “you can wife me up any day, I just don’t like everyone’s constant comments. It’s none of their business, you know?” Katya knew all too well the damage that public interference could do to a relationship and she nodded in affirmation, running her thumb over Trixie’s knuckles as she held her hand in her own. “I wish they’d just shut up about it. And now Morgan has told them about what happened the other day, which has only made things worse.” 

Katya’s hand fell limp in Trixie’s, and the look on her face told her all she needed to know. Trixie knew she had slipped up, and looked down at her feet, avoiding Katya’s gaze. She didn’t want to see the look of hurt which she knew would now be plastered across her face. 

“Morgan?” Katya asked, trying to keep her voice as level as possible. It felt as though she had just been punched in the stomach, as though all the air had been sucked from her lungs. She looked at Trixie, standing across from her with her head hung in shame. Katya knew she was being unreasonable, Trixie had no loyalty to her, she could do whatever she wanted, but Katya could feel her heart sinking further even as she thought this. What hurt worst of all was that she hadn’t told her. The pair had been inseparable for weeks now- Katya felt as though Trixie knew everything about her, every past trauma and heartbreak, and yet she had deliberately kept this a secret from her. “Why didn’t you tell me?” 

Trixie raised her eyes slightly and, to her surprise, Katya seemed to be utterly level headed. Outwardly she didn’t look angry, or upset or confused, but Trixie could see the pain in her eyes as she met them with her own. She knew that she should have told Katya, of course she should have done, but there was a small part of her that felt embarrassed, almost ashamed, of what had happened. She knew that Katya would be hurt if she told her, but now Trixie realised that not telling her had only made it worse. “I didn’t want to upset you, I- I thought you’d just rather not know” Trixie said hesitantly, avoiding Katya’s gaze. 

“Well I know now,” Katya replied bluntly, “but what actually happened? Just put me out of my misery, tell me all.” Trixie glanced behind her at the rest of the group sitting on a cluster of sofas and chairs as Katya led her to the other side of the room. 

Trixie picked at a hangnail on her thumb, awkwardly looking down at her hands. “He took me out the other night. One thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together, that’s all”, she said, trying to get the words out as fast as possible. Even as she said it, she felt as though a weight had been lifted off her chest. As much as she hated to see Katya’s reaction, she was glad that there were now no secrets between them. 

“That’s all?” Katya retorted dryly, “I think that counts as a little more than ‘all’, Trixie.” She felt the anger rising up in her chest, and desperately tried to supress the growing sense of panic she was feeling. Why did she feel so hurt? This wasn’t like her. Katya usually prided herself on her level-headedness, but this sudden revelation made her want to run from the room and never look back. “You can do what you want, of course you can, you do know that don’t you?” Trixie continued to pick at her nail, still not looking up to face her. Katya bit back the lump in her throat, “I just want you to be happy, ok? And if he makes you happy, then I’m happy too.” 

Trixie looked up and Katya forced a smile. It hurt her to say that. It hurt her more than she thought possible. She was going to have to watch Trixie and Morgan together, and she would be side-lined as the two grew closer together. But that doesn’t matter, Katya thought to herself, Trixie’s happiness is more importance than your own unrequited feelings. 

“Are you sure?” Trixie asked, unable to hide the happiness in her voice. “If you really don’t like him then I can ditch it right here, right now.” 

“Don’t be fucking stupid, as if I would ever get in the way. You better tell me all from now on, not too many details though- the thought of you two frog-hopping it makes me feel sick to my stomach” Katya replied, managing to conquer the intense sense of jealousy writhing in the pit of her stomach. 

Trixie cackled and pulled her in for a hug. Katya rested her head on Trixie’s shoulder, breathing in the familiar floral scent. “I promise he won’t get in the way” Trixie said into her hair. The two lingered in this embrace, arms wrapped round one another in a moment of absolute serenity. 

Katya pulled away first, “I will key his truck if he ever hurts you” she said seriously, and Trixie threw her head back in laughter. Katya took her hand as they began walking back across the room towards the group. 

“Lovers tiff?” Violet asked as she saw the pair approach. Trixie gave her the middle finger and seated herself beside Morgan, who placed his arm around her shoulder possessively. Katya thought she saw a glint of triumph in his eyes which she desperately tried to ignore. 

Katya sat down beside Alaska, sighing slightly as she watched Trixie and Morgan break into conversation. Trixie threw her head back as she laughed, her golden hair falling across Morgan’s shoulders as the pair leaned in to one another. Katya noticed the slight dimples at either side of her mouth, the smile lines forming at the corners of her brown eyes. Despite everything, Katya thought she had never seen her look so beautiful. Dressed in the pink knitted Christmas jumper Morgan had given her the other week, she looked as perfect as a Christmas ornament. 

Katya dragged her gaze away from Trixie and looked over at Kim, who appeared to be bursting with excitement. “Can we _please _do the secret santa gifts now?” she emplored, addressing the whole group.__

____

Alaska chuckled beside her, “Looks like Kim is about to blow,” he said in his slightly monotonous voice, “we don’t want a tantrum on our hands.” 

____

Kim glared at him and then turned to Trixie, “You know you want to do it now too! You’ve been banging on about your gift for Katya for days!” Kim froze and put her hand to her mouth, “I wasn’t meant to say that.” 

____

Trixie turned to Kim, exasperated, “Well we might as well do it now you’ve let that secret slip”, she rolled her eyes and shot Katya an apologetic look, making her wheeze with laughter. 

____

“Yes let’s do it now!” Katya joined in with the festivities, unable to hide her excitement. 

____

“You pig!” Pearl chimed in “Just because you know you’ll be getting a good present!” 

____

“I wouldn’t hold your breath,” Violet cut over her, “it’ll be another candle, just you wait.” 

____

“I don’t give a shit about candles, I’m giving my present now whether you like it or not” Kim said definitively. “Should we all put the presents in the centre to try and keep a level of secrecy? Well, as much secrecy as possible” she said turning to Trixie grinning sheepishly. 

____

“Calling it secrecy is a bit generous,” Alaska said as he got up to retrieve a gift bag from his locker at the side of the room. The others followed suit, each retreating to various spots in the common room where they had placed their presents for safekeeping. 

____

Kim took charge of the proceedings once everyone had returned to their original seats, enjoying the authority a little too much, thought Trixie. “This once’s for you, Pearl” she said, holding up a small purple bag stuffed with tissue paper.

____

Pearl took the bag in both hands and rummaged through it excitedly. Her face fell as she found the gift placed at the bottom, and soon everyone was roaring with laughter. “You really are a bitch, Violet” she scolded as she pulled out a small set of tea lights. 

____

“How do you know it was me?” Violet replied defensively, but it was obvious to everyone that Pearl had been correct in her accusation. She slapped the girl playfully across the thigh, “I thought you’d appreciate some R and R!”. 

____

Violet opened her gift next, followed by Alaska, Morgan and fame. Katya had been assigned Kim as her secret santa and watched anxiously as she unwrapped the decorated paper. She unwrapped it eagerly and squealed with delight as the vintage camera and accompanying film fell into her lap. “Was this you, Katya?” she asked, smiling up at her. 

____

Katya nodded, “I saw it in a small second hand shop and thought you might like it. I know you’re into photography, but I can always get you something else if you’d prefer?” 

____

Kim stood up to hug Katya, “No it’s amazing! You’ll have to take me to this shop some day because it sounds my sort of place.” 

____

Katya looked down at the girl standing before her, “Yes, I’d love that!” she smiled. 

____

It finally got round to Trixie’s turn, and Kim handed her a pink bag decorated with gold embellishments. “Someone really went all out with the packaging of this one!” she said as Trixie took the bag. 

____

She reached inside and gasped in amazement, pulling out a long pink satin dress. She held it up in front of her at a loss for words. “It’s beautiful!” she said finally. Katya saw Morgan glowing with pride beside her, “Who was it? I can’t just not know!” she said, but Katya already knew the answer. 

____

Morgan put his hand on her knee and turned to face her, “It was me,” he said, relishing in the attention, “I saw it the other day and thought it couldn’t be more perfect! I was thinking you could wear it to the winter formal next week?” 

____

“I thought we were going for cheaper, more sentimental gifts this year Morgan?” Alaska said coolly, evidently not yet recovered from whatever argument they had had earlier that day. 

____

Morgan rolled his eyes and returned his attentions to Trixie beside him, who was beaming with happiness. “Morgan it’s so beautiful, thank you!” she said, planting a kiss on his cheek. Just as I did earlier, Katya thought to herself. 

____

“Why don’t you give Katya her present now?” Kim said to Trixie, looking more excited than Trixie herself. She turned to Katya, “You better appreciate the time that went into this,” she beckoned to Trixie, “this one hasn’t shut about this since last week.” 

____

Katya tried to put the exchange she had just witnessed between Trixie and Morgan to the back of her mind, ignoring the sense of emptiness that seemed to be growing in her chest. Trixie got up from the sofa and handed Katya a small package wrapped in brown paper and tied with a gold bow, “I hope you like it!” she said nervously, “I don’t think it’s very good, and, well, you’ll see, just open it.” 

____

Katya unwrapped the package carefully so as not to tear the paper. Inside was a small black box and a handwritten letter folded in half. She opened the letter and let out an audible gasp; the letter was written entirely in Russian. Katya felt tears pricking her eyes as she ran her hand gently over the Cyrillic letters, “Oh my god, Trixie” she breathed. She couldn’t conjure up any other words as she turned her attentions to the letter in her lap. 

____

“Read it out loud!” Pearl said excitedly, dragging Katya back to reality. 

____

“No don’t do that!” Trixie said, and Katya sensed the slight note of panic in her voice. “It’s probably all misspelled and not written out properly.” 

____

Katya looked back at the letter; 

____

Милая моя Катя, 

____

День, когда я встретил тебя, был лучшим днем в моей жизни. Я никогда не встречал никого, похожего на тебя, и не думаю, что когда-нибудь снова встречу такого, как ты. Вы уже изменили мою жизнь, и я не могу дождаться следующих лет, которые мы проведем вместе. У меня аллергия на сентиментальность, поэтому я должен это делать. Надеюсь, вам понравился ваш подарок! 

____

Любовь от твоей Трикси 

____

Katya read the letter as easily as if it had been been written in English: 

____

_My dear Katya, ___

______ _ _

_The day I met you was the best day of my life. I have never met anyone like you, and I do not think that I will ever meet someone like you again. You have already changed my life, and I cannot wait for the next years that we will spend together. I'm allergic to sentimentality, so I have to do it. Hope you enjoyed your gift! ___

________ _ _ _ _

_Love from your Trixie ___

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

Katya felt tears pricking her eyes once more. “How did you do this, Trixie?” she asked. She didn’t think she could love Trixie any more than she did in this moment. She had forgotten everything, all her jealousies and suppressed upset, focusing only on the fact that this girl had taken the time to not only write her a letter, but also to translate it into her mother tongue. 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

Trixie beamed at her, “Open the box! I didn’t just get you a letter you idiot.” 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

Katya opened the small black box in her lap slowly. Inside was a delicate silver bracelet with a small matryoshka doll attached as a charm, wrapped carefully in white tissue paper. “My god Trixie it’s beautiful, it’s so perfect. Where did you find it?” 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

“It was at that little thrift shop you showed me the other week! I saw it when we went together and asked the assistant to keep it in the back for me to go back and buy later.” She replied, glowing with Katya’s praise. 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

“So that’s why you suddenly wanted us to leave! You bitch! I can’t believe it, Trixie it is so perfect, thank you”, she said to the girl sitting across from her. Katya felt as though her heart had healed as quickly as it had broken. Sure, Trixie might be with Morgan now, but nothing could get between the two, and this was tangible proof. 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

Pearl stood up and stretched her arms out in front of her, “Can someone turn on some music or something? All this sappiness is making me feel sick” she said, and Violet accompanied her words with a retching sound directed at Katya, who gave her the middle finger. Kim turned the radio on and the room filled with the operatic sound of ‘O Holy Night’. “I may be desperate, but I’m not that desperate. Can you switch the station?” 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Don’t you fucking dare Kim, someone slow dance to this with me. Trixie?” She held her hand out to her. Trixie glanced at Morgan who smiled nodded. She took Katya’s hand and was pulled to the centre of the circle of sofas. 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Violet?” Pearl held out her hand to the raven haired girl who looked slightly apprehensive. “If they’re going to dance, we can too. Now take my hand bitch.” 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

Katya wrapped her arm around Trixie’s waist as the two swayed in time to the music. “I feel like we’re in a snow globe” Trixie giggled as she rested her chin on the top of Katya’s head. 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

“You’re giving me very Jude Law, and I’m Kate Winslet in that awful Love Actually movie. Wait, no that’s not the one I mean, I mean the Holiday.” Katya said into Trixie’s hair. “You’re Garry Marshall-“ 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

“I’m Gary Busey” Trixie butted in, and she felt Katya wheezing with laughter beside her. 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

“I’m Penny Marshall as Nick Nolte, you’re Gary Busey as Naomi Campbell”, Katya struggled to get the words out between her wheezy laughs. 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

Trixie leaned back as she cackled, “You are so stupid!” 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

Katya pressed in to Trixie once more, gazing up at her brown eyes, “But I’m your stupid.” The pair swayed in silence, utterly contented in each other’s company. Katya leaned her head on Trixie’s chest, “Thank you for the letter” she said simply. Trixie could feel the girl’s head leaning on her shoulder, she didn’t want this moment to end. She wanted to stay like this, with Katya in her arms, forever. 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Ooh!” Katya said suddenly, pulling away from Trixie’s embrace, “You need to open your present!” she pulled a neatly wrapped parcel from her bag and handed it to Trixie, who was making her way to the pair’s usual seats at the far end of the common room. 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

“But you had Kim as your person! You didn’t have to get me anything.” Trixie felt a warm sensation wash over her; she loved receiving gifts almost as much as she loved giving them. 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

“I couldn’t not get you anything. I hope you like it, I’d be lying if I said it hadn’t taken me weeks.” 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

Trixie looked a bit taken aback and unwrapped the package carefully, pulling out a leather bound sketchbook. Her brow furrowed slightly as she held it out before her, why had Katya given her art supplies? 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Look inside you moron” Katya said impatiently. Trixie obliged and almost dropped the sketchbook. Inside were a dozen or so detailed drawings of herself, evidently sketched out by Katya in moments when she thought she wasn’t looking; there was one of her sat on her bed, plucking out a tune on her guitar, one of her biting the end of her pencil in the library, her hair falling about her shoulders. A lump rose in her throat as she looked through the drawings, they all looked too beautiful to be a real depiction of reality, was this how Katya saw her? 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Do you like them?” Katya asked quietly, leaning in towards her. 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

“They’re perfect, Katya. When did you do them all? I don’t know how you found the time!” 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Just every now and them in the in-between moments, you know? I realise they’re all a bit rough, but I wanted to show you how beautiful you are.” 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

Trixie felt as though her heart was about to explode with love for the girl sitting across from her. She felt her eyes welling up with tears and turned her head away, “you’re a bitch for making me cry!” she said in a choked voice, forcing out a laugh in between sobs. 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

Katya crossed the distance between them and pulled Trixie in for a hug, “You mean the world to me, I hope you know that” she said in a serious tone of voice. Trixie nodded into her hair, rendered speechless by this act of kindness and love. “We better get back before Morgan begins to think I’ve stolen you again”, she pulled Trixie to her feet, “I will throttle him if he gives me that icy stare one more time.” Trixie wiped her eyed and laughed, allowing herself to be led back to the group. 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

\------------ 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

Chapter song: Roslyn by Bon Iver and St. Vincent 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _


	10. I am ready, I am fine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I keep saying that I'm going to update this fic more regularly, but never do and I'm so sorry
> 
> This chapter's a bit shorter, but I'm really enjoying where the story's heading and I hope you are too!
> 
> As always, any feedback is really appreciated <3

#  Chapter Ten: I am ready, I am fine

# 

Katya was waiting nervously in Trixie’s pink bedroom, fiddling absentmindedly with a loose thread on the hem of her silk dress. She hated the whole concept of a Winter Ball, it was just another pointless ploy by the college to get students to fork out more money for events they knew full well they couldn’t afford. But here she was, sat on Trixie’s bed caked in more makeup than she had ever worn in her life. Trixie had insisted that the pair got ready together, and Katya had agreed instantly, but now she was starting to regret this hasty decision; what if Trixie didn’t like her makeup, her hair, her dress? What if she thought it was all too much? 

Katya lay back on the pink quilted bed sheet, gazing up at the white plastered ceiling. She had never felt so anxious about the opinion of a single person, never had she ever let anyone get to her like this. ‘But this isn’t anyone, is it?’ she thought to herself, ‘this is Trixie, my Trixie.’ 

“Katya?” Trixie’s voice called from behind the closed bathroom door. 

“Mhmm” Katya responded, still lying back on the bed. She heard the bathroom door open, accompanied by the rustle of Trixie’s long dress as she stepped into the room. Katya squeezed her eyes tightly shut- she wanted to savour this moment. 

“What do you think?” Trixie asked shyly, looking down at the floor. She had been sat ready in the bathroom for a solid five minutes before finally building up the courage to enter her own room. She hadn’t shown anyone her dress yet, not even Morgan, and she desperately wanted Katya’s approval. She wanted to see her best friend’s eyes light up at the sight of her, to see her rouged lips break into her wide smile revealing her perfect teeth. Most of all, she wanted Katya to look at her, to properly look at her. Ever since she had started going out with Morgan, Trixie felt as though Katya had been avoiding her slightly. The once relaxed and carefree air between them had become slightly strained- a development which had come as a shock to both girls. As much as she loved Morgan, Trixie missed her best friend; the talks they had behind the arts block as Katya went on her regular smoke breaks, the two of them lounging together on a spare sofa in the common room, it had even changed their dynamic in a group context. Trixie had noticed Katya becoming closer and closer with Violet, Pearl and Alaska, appearing to be actively distancing herself from Trixie.

Katya propped herself up on her elbows and allowed her jaw to drop, “Oh my god, Trixie, you look beautiful!” she said, now getting to her feet to stand before her. She had never seen Trixie look more beautiful; something about her long pink satin dress, her warm blonde curls falling about her collar bones and the light that seemed to be radiating from her face made her look almost angelic. Katya felt the familiar stabbing pain rise in her chest- standing before her was the most important person in her life. A person who was not hers. A person whose heart was elsewhere. 

Trixie looked up to meet Katya’s blue eyes, “Do you really think so? I feel like I should have bought a different dress-“ 

“Are you kidding?” Katya cut her off, “you look incredible. We all knew pink was your colour, but bitch, you have never looked so stunning. Turns out you scrub up quite well.” 

“Oh shut up you whore,” Trixie laughed, smiling down at her “you’re actually quite pretty when you’re not fashioning your usual ‘statement’ pieces!” Katya wheezed with laughter and Trixie’s heart soared, things instantly felt normal again. She didn’t want to show just how taken aback she had been at seeing Katya lying back on her bed as she came out of the bathroom. She had curled the long platinum blonde hair falling below her shoulders and had evidently taken meticulous care with her eyeshadow- a black smoky eye with white glitter packed carefully on her inner corners. She was wearing a simple, ruby red silk dress with an open back and spaghetti straps slipping slightly down her bare shoulders. Trixie had felt all the air escape her lungs as she took in the sight before her. Katya was a vision of beauty, not in the stereotypical way that could be said of Violet or Fame, it was like she owned a category all to herself, a category Trixie had never even considered before. 

The two stood in the middle of Trixie’s room, smiling stupidly at one another. This moment, Katya thought to herself, is a moment I want to remember forever. She picked up Trixie’s hand and held it in her own, “You are the best friend I have ever had, do you know that?” She looked into the girl’s hazel eyes, desperate to take in every feature on her face. 

Something about the tone of utmost sincerity and vulnerability in Katya’s voice rendered Trixie speechless, so she just nodded. Something about the air between them felt different, almost as though there was a static in the air, an electricity seeping out of them into every particle in the air, every particle of their being. Trixie didn’t know how to respond, she had never felt this before, not with Morgan, not with Pearl. Something about Katya was exciting, and completely new. 

“Ooh, wait here! I got you something else!” Trixie said excitedly, turning from Katya and rushing out of the room. 

“I love you Tracey, but if you’re about to give me another Dolly rendition I think I’m going to have to pass, we don’t want to be late!” Katya called after her retreating figure. She sat back down on the bed and let out a sigh, everything felt perfect. Something about being with Trixie, alone with Trixie, felt completely natural, like she had somehow returned home. 

Trixie came back into the room, giddy with excitement. “I felt I had to get you something else after you put so much effort into my Christmas present.” A grin was plastered to her face, and Katya smiled back as she took the little black box from Trixie’s hands. 

“Here you go upstaging me again!” Katya laughed, “we all know you’re the better friend, I’ve learnt to accept defeat” she said as she slowly opened the box. 

“Stop trying to make me feel bad for you and open the damn box!” 

Katya obliged; inside was a black velvet draw-string bag which she hurriedly opened. From the bag fell an ornately designed silver lighter. Katya felt the weight of it in her hand and immediately knew that this wasn’t like her usual dollar store clipper lighters. “Trixie this must have cost a shit ton” she said, unable to hide the excitement and pleasure in her voice. 

“Turn it over” Trixie prompted, smiling from ear to ear. Katya turned the lighter over lightly in her hand to find an inscription carefully etched into the silver casing; 

_‘Навсегда’ ___

____

_‘Forever’ ___

______ _ _

Katya turned away to try and hide the tears pricking the corners of her eyes, but it was too late and Trixie had seen. 

______ _ _

“Don’t tell me you’re crying because you wanted this friendship to be over within the next few months!” she joked, trying to make Katya laugh as she usually did, but to no avail. “I’m sorry, it’s too much, I should have checked with you first”, Trixie moved towards her and touched her arm, spinning Katya’s limp body to face her. Had she done the wrong thing? The lighter had been a spur of the moment purchase; she’d seen it advertised in a local shop window and had immediately thought of Katya. She just wanted to show her how much she appreciated her, but maybe she had misjudged the situation. Maybe it was too soon. 

______ _ _

“Oh fuck off, you know it’s perfect”, Katya forced a laugh through her tears, still trying to turn her face away in spite of Trixie’s grip on either side of her shoulders, “I just—I’m not used to this, Trixie.” Katya let her gaze fall to the ground as Trixie’s hands fell from her shoulders. 

______ _ _

“What do you mean?” There was no anger or judgement in her voice, just confusion. Trixie sat down on her bed and gently pulled Katya to sit beside her.

______ _ _

Katya let Trixie guide her to the bed and rested her head on the girl’s shoulder, giving herself over fully to the comfort that she provided. “I’m sorry for being so stupid”, she began hesitantly, “It’s- you, you mean so much to me, Trixie. I don’t know what I’d do without you, I really don’t.” 

______ _ _

Trixie put her arm around Katya’s bare shoulders and pulled her in closer, “You don’t have to be without me, stupid.” She whispered into her hair, letting her own head sink closer and closer to Katya’s, “I said forever for a reason.” As much as Trixie hated to admit it, she kind of relished in this sudden role reversal; Katya was usually the strong one, comforting her about some argument or other she’d had with Morgan, taking her through various fantastical methods to escape the relationship (jokingly, of course). For once, Katya had allowed herself to be vulnerable, and that meant more to Trixie than she could ever put into words. 

______ _ _

Katya turned her head upwards to look Trixie in the eyes, “Promise me?” she said earnestly. 

______ _ _

Trixie thought she was joking at first, but the sincerity and concern in her voice suggested otherwise, “Promise you what?” Trixie asked, returning Katya’s gaze. 

______ _ _

“That you’ll be my forever” she said simply, not taking her eyes off Trixie’s. 

______ _ _

“I’m already your forever,” Trixie replied, tucking a strand of Katya’s hair behind her ear, “you’re not getting rid of me that easily.” She felt Katya sigh beneath her and squeezed her close, “We don’t have to go tonight if you don’t want to, I know you hate this sort of thing.” 

______ _ _

“We’re going!” Katya jumped up and turned to look at herself in the mirror, applying some more powder to her under eyes where the tears had smudged her concealer, “I can only be demure and depressed for so long.” 

______ _ _

Trixie cackled and took Katya’s arm in her own, “Fuck we’re gonna be so late Katya.” 

______ _ _

Katya looked at her seriously, “You know my driving, I can get us there in fifteen minutes max.” 

______ _ _

Trixie smiled and rolled her eyes, “I’d rather get there late than dead.” 

______ _ _

\------------ 

______ _ _

“Trixie!” Kim called from the far end of the room, waving her arms excitedly at the pair who had just entered arm in arm. Katya looked around her nervously, she hadn’t been in the college hall in over two years, and the memories associated with it weren’t exactly positive; she pictured herself lying in the corner, shaking with that intense paranoia that only ever came with a substance induced panic attack. She closed her eyes, and a slight inclination of her head signalled to Trixie that the girl beside her had once again got lost in her own mind. She squeezed her arm comforting, and Katya turned to face her, her ice blue eyes meeting Trixie’s hazel brown ones. 

______ _ _

“You’re ok”, Trixie whispered into her hair, “I promise.” 

______ _ _

Katya smiled at her gratefully, and they walked together towards the table their friends had claimed as their own. The hall was decorated with snowflake streamers hanging between the faded plaster walls, helium balloons bobbing lazily against the low hanging ceiling as they wafted in the gentle breeze. Each table was adorned with winter themed decorations; a set of silicone icicles, a bunch of holly, a sprig of mistletoe. 

______ _ _

“You two took your time”, Alaska drawled lazily as he watched the pair approach, “did you get stuck in traffic?” 

______ _ _

“We all know they were Frenching in the back of Katya’s truck” Violet cackled in delight, ignoring Morgan’s glare from the opposite end of the table. 

______ _ _

Katya shot her a good humoured look, but Trixie averted her eyes, avoiding the stare she was getting from Morgan. As usual, he reacted to this dismissal poorly, making his way towards Trixie with a determined look on his face. 

______ _ _

Morgan placed his arm around Trixie’s waist, “Thank goodness you’re here, I was beginning to think you’d ditched me”, he glanced at Katya, who just shrugged and seated herself beside Fame and Violet. 

______ _ _

Trixie smiled at him, “You know full well I would never miss an event. I could be on my death bed and I’d still find a way to show you bitches up.” Morgan threw his head back in laughter and pulled his girlfriend in closer, almost possessively, Katya thought. 

______ _ _

“Can we dance?” Trixie asked him excitedly, “I know I’m shit, but I promise I’ve been practicing like you told me too!” 

______ _ _

She gazed up at him expectantly, and he feigned hesitation, “Fine, but if you step on my foot again there are going to be serious consequences.” Trixie clapped her hands in delight as Morgan took her arm and led her towards the throng of people dancing in the centre of the room. 

______ _ _

Katya gazed after her, watching her delicate figure dissolve in the group of people. She felt so powerless, so inadequate. Of course she was happy for Trixie, she had to be, but something about the sight of her with Morgan made her heart physically ache. No one ever made her feel like this, she had always made sure never to catch feelings for anyone she became involved with, so why was she now feeling so torn up over someone who clearly viewed her in a platonic light and a platonic light only. 

______ _ _

Alaska followed Katya’s gaze and chuckled to himself softly, jolting Katya back to reality. “We all know you’re in love with her”, he said earnestly. 

______ _ _

Katya felt her heart drop to her stomach, how did Alaska know? What did he mean _everyone knows _? “I am not in love with Trixie” she blurted out defensively, unable to mask the indignation from her voice.__

________ _ _ _ _

Violet smiled coyly, resting her elbows on the table and placing her chin in her hands, “No one mentioned Trixie,” she smirked, “but now we’re sure!” 

________ _ _ _ _

Katya gazed at her in dismay, unsure how to react to this confrontation, “Please don’t say anything,” she pleaded, “Trixie can never know.” 

________ _ _ _ _

Violet chuckled, enjoying this revelation a little too much for Katya’s liking, “Maybe she already knows,” she said gleefully, “Morgan sure does.” 

________ _ _ _ _

“Which one of you fuckers told Morgan?” Katya looked at her friends seated around the table, all of whom were avoiding eye contact awkwardly. “For fucks sake!” she held her hand to her forehead as the reality of Violet’s words set in, maybe Trixie did know. Maybe she knew. 

________ _ _ _ _

In a sudden outburst, Katya grabbed Violet’s wrist beside her forcefully, “Don’t you dare say anything,” she said through gritted teeth, “don’t get involved, please.” 

________ _ _ _ _

Violet snatched her wrist away in disgust, looking Katya up and down, “As if I’d ever want to get involved in whatever twisted love triangle you’ve got going on with miss country over there,” she spat out, “get a grip.” She stood up to leave, picking up the train of her dress as she did so, “Fame,” she called over her shoulder, “come and dance with me, will you?” 

________ _ _ _ _

The tall willowy girl shot Katya an apologetic look and loyally trotted after Violet, who was storming her way through the crowd. 

________ _ _ _ _

Katya felt as though her world was crumbling apart before her eyes, 

________ _ _ _ _

_Maybe she already knows ___

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

She held her head in her hands, trying to breath as steadily as she know how. This shouldn’t be happening, not now, not like this. As much as she hated the thought of Trixie being in a relationship with someone else, it was nothing compared to the thought of not having Trixie in her life at all, and that is what had kept her going, that is what _would _keep her going. She felt as though she was going to be sick. She couldn’t live without Trixie. And as she thought it, she realised how true the statement was- she had never been so sure of anything in her life, and that scared her.__

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Katya felt a warm hand touch her shoulder lightly and she looked up. Pearl had seated herself beside her and was now looking down at her in concern. “Are you ok?” she asked in her usual monotonous drone, but Katya could hear the genuine care in her voice. 

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Katya sighed and leaned back in her chair, “Can I ask you something?” she said, not looking the girl in the eyes. Pearl nodded, so she proceeded; “What does heartbreak feel like?” 

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Pearl breathed out slowly, trying to work out what to say. “Like this,” she said after a pause, “it feels like this.” 

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Katya nodded slowly. She had been half expecting that answer, but that didn’t the words tearing through her like a bullet. Her eyes made their way back to Trixie, smiling and laughing with Morgan in the middle of the dance floor. Her head was thrown back in laughter, and Katya felt the familiar aching in her chest as she realised how utterly content she looked. With Morgan. 

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“I don’t want to make whatever you’re feeling worse,” Pearl said hesitantly, “but none of us have seen her this happy in a long time,” she paused, but Katya already knew where this conversation was going, “we just don’t want to see her hurt. Do you know what I’m saying?” 

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Katya nodded, forcing a smile, “Yes of course, I only want her to be happy” she replied. Though externally calm and collected, Katya felt as though a hurricane was waging its way through her brain. Reality had finally hit home. She couldn’t do this, pretend as though she didn’t have feelings for the girl who was rapidly becoming her entire world. Trixie had to be happy, and maybe Katya wasn’t part of that equation. 

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Hands shaking, Katya made her way to the smokers area situated behind the back exit of the hall. She couldn’t sit in that room for one minute more. She needed the release that only smoking could give her. 

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Katya leaned her head against the cool brick building, feeling the cool evening air pricking the bare skin on her shoulders. She closed her eyes, still unable to get the image of Trixie happily dancing with Morgan from her head. She’s happy, she thought to herself, and that’s all that matters. 

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

\------------

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Chapter song: Colorblind by Counting Crows 

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	11. I know in your head you see me instead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiii, thank you to anyone who is still reading this! I feel like my writing might finally be improving a bit (but I won't hold my breath!)  
> I hope you're liking the story so far. I'm realising now how bad some of the earlier chapters were, so thank you for making it this far! I have the next few chapters planned out properly and I'm quite excited about them, so hopefully the next update will be out soon <3  
> Quick PSA: This chapter has reference to past substance abuse, so please stay safe is this might be a potential trigger! I'm never going to include anything graphic in this or future chapters, but please note that it will be implied/referenced throughout.

#  Chapter Eleven: I know in your head you see me instead 

# 

“Are you sure this is wise, моя любовь?” Katya’s mum poked her head around the bedroom door, a concerned look plastered on her face. “I of all people know how strong you are, but you don’t have to prove it.” She pushed the door open further, desperately searching her daughter’s face for any sign of anxiety or distress. 

“I’m fine, mama, I promise. Please stop making this a bigger deal than it is,” Katya replied in an exasperated tone, “it’s not a big deal.” She hated talking to her mum about her past, but not as much as she hated to see her so concerned. She forced what she thought was a reassuring smile onto her face and met her mother’s gaze, “I can tell you more about it when I get back from college.” 

Her mother sighed slowly and pulled her in for a hug, resting her chin on her daughter’s platinum blonde hair, “I love you, моя дорогая, I’m so proud of you,” she planted a kiss on her forehead, “you better get going, I know you’ve got a lot to do.” 

Katya’s head was full as she drove to college, so full that she didn’t even know how to begin processing her thoughts. Truth be told, this project was taking more of a toll on her than she had previously anticipated. Sure, she’d realised that researching addiction and delving back into her past might bring up some old memories, but she hadn’t expected everything to feel so raw, so fresh. She thought back on the weekend she had spent wrapped up in her project- she had initially thought that spending a dedicated amount of time on it might ease her discomfort, but it had had the opposite effect; instead of setting her mind at rest, she now felt ore uneasy than ever. Something about looking back at photos of herself from those fateful years made Katya want to burn every single thing she had touched during that time. She was now realising, all too late, that she might have been wise to heed Miss Brookes’ warning on delving into the past. But nothing can be done now, she thought to herself, desperately trying to break from this cloud of negativity as she approached the college gates. 

Having parked rather unsuccessfully on the far end of the car park, Katya sat back in the driver’s seat and closed her eyes, resting her head back against the headrest. Why was she letting this get to her so much? She was beginning to feel out of control in a way she had not done in years, and that panicked her. The situation with Trixie only made matters worse; Violet’s words had been playing on repeat in her head for a few weeks, 

_“Maybe she already knows” ___

____

Sighing, Katya sank further into the seat. She could feel the sense of control she usually prided herself on gradually slipping through her fingers, a sensation that was becoming harder and harder to deal with. 

____

Katya was so wrapped up in her thoughts that she failed to notice Trixie waving frantically at her from the other end of the car park. She sat with her eyes pressed firmly closed, trying to focus on the breathing exercises drilled into her by countless therapists. 

____

Trixie, oblivious of this attempted moment of solace, rapped excitedly on the car window by her head. Katya started at the sudden noise, a look of terror suddenly plastered on her face. She caught sight of Trixie and tried, unsuccessfully, to force a smile. 

____

“Have you not got a bed at home?” Trixie laughed as Katya got out of the car, “I didn’t think your project would take so much out of you”, she joked, evidently blissfully unaware of her friend’s anxiety. The pair walked together towards the main entrance, Trixie chatting excitedly about some date Morgan had just taken her on, Katya desperately trying to feign interest. 

____

Katya tried once more to regulate her breathing, trying to drown out the incessant noise, but suddenly everything grew too loud. “You really scared me just then,” she said suddenly, turning to Trixie, “could you not see I was having a moment?” 

____

Trixie stopped in her tracks and looked down at the girl beside her, finally realising the discomfort obvious in her countenance. “I- I’m sorry, I didn’t realise, I wasn’t thinking,” she stammered, slightly taken aback by this outburst, “I thought you were just napping”, she said, laughing, but the laughter faded as she saw Katya gaze frostily at her. This wasn’t the joyful, loving Katya she knew, something was wrong- that much was evident by the slight tremor in her hands as she clenched them into fists by her side. 

____

“Well you should think,” Katya snapped back, looking her directly in the eye, “I had a fucking difficult weekend and I’d rather not be startled first thing on a Monday morning.” She didn’t know why this intense anger had suddenly flared up in her, but by this point it was out of her control. 

____

Trixie’s eyes softened and an expression of concern painted itself across her face, “I’m really sorry,” she said earnestly, “do you want to talk about it? Is it the project?” 

____

She tried to reach out for Katya’s hand, but she snatched it away, “Of course it’s the fucking project” she retorted, still clenching and unclenching her fists. 

____

“Is it bringing up things about addiction?” Trixie asked, trying to sound as understanding as possible, but she immediately realised she had said the wrong thing by the look of horror on Katya’s face. 

____

“Way to be bloody discrete about it, Trixie. Let’s tell the whole college, shall we?” Katya could feel herself spiralling out of control, but she couldn’t stop herself, something had snapped, she had snapped. She threw her arms in the air and raised her voice, “I used to an addict! The whole world should know! Happy now? ” A few people turned to see what the commotion was, but quickly averted their gaze and continued on their way awkwardly. 

____

Trixie had never seen Katya, no, she had never seen _anyone _like this, and it physically pained her to see her best friend so distraught. “Katya, you know that’s not what I meant. Let’s go to the common room, we can talk about it”, she tried to guide her in that vague direction, but Katya refused to move.__

______ _ _

“I’m going to smokers” she said bluntly and, without another word, turned from Trixie and ran in the opposite direction. 

______ _ _

“Katya wait!” Trixie called after her, but she’d either not heard or chosen to ignore her as she continued running. “Fine,” she shouted, “that’s fucking fine, run away like you always do.” 

______ _ _

Katya was seething with rage as she stormed back across the car park. She told herself that she wouldn’t turn around until she was far out of Trixie’s sight, but she couldn’t help looking back. She wished she hadn’t. From the far end of the college carpark, Katya watched Trixie embrace Morgan in a hug. She looked completely and utterly safe in his company, which only intensified the pain Katya felt in her chest. Trixie looked so forlorn, wrapped in Morgan’s arms in total trust and (she hated to admit) love. She turned around once more and made her way to the dingy smokers area situated behind the arts block. 

______ _ _

What the fuck is wrong with you, she thought to herself as she shakily drew a cigarette from the packet in her pocket. Of all the people you could snap at you choose Trixie, your Trixie, the same Trixie who has been a better friend to you than you could ever deserve. 

______ _ _

Katya sank to the floor and held her head in her hands. ‘You’re ok’ she said to herself, over and over as she tried once again to calm her shallow breathing. She thought about the look of utter dismay on Trixie’s face, the innocent excitement with which she had knocked on her car window, the sincerity in her voice when she had apologised, which only worsened the intense sense of guilt already rising through her stomach. 

______ _ _

But then she thought of her parting words- words she had chosen, at the time, to ignore; 

______ _ _

_‘Run away like you always do’ ___

________ _ _ _ _

Katya bit her lip in an attempt to fight back the tears pricking the corners of her eyes. What did Trixie mean by that? Katya felt as though she had spent her whole life running, but how did Trixie know that? It’s hard to stop running when you don’t know what you’re running from. 

________ _ _ _ _

I’ve fucked it, she thought miserably, inhaling the bitter taste of smoke, you finally had something worth living for and you’ve fucked it up. Katya slumped against the concrete wall, here comes the next heartbreak. 

________ _ _ _ _

\------------

________ _ _ _ _

Trixie sank into Morgan’s warm embrace, breathing in his familiar smell of aftershave. She didn’t want to go to her next lesson, she didn’t want to go anywhere at all, she just wanted to be here, with Morgan. She felt as though Katya’s outburst had ripped her in two, leaving nothing but an empty void in her place. Why had she been so _angry _? Had something happened that weekend? A thousand thoughts ran through Trixie’s head at lightning speed, should she go after her?__

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

Morgan senses her hesitation and put his arm around her waist, pulling her in close beside him, “Don’t waste your time on her,” he whispered into her ear, “she’s the one with anger management problems, not you. Don’t chase her.” Trixie buried her head further into his chest. She hated to hear anyone speak ill of Katya, least of all her own boyfriend, but maybe there was a kernel of truth in what he said. After all, if it had been the other way round, Katya would never chase after me, Trixie thought to herself. 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

Distractedly, she let Morgan lead her to the common room where Violet, Fame and Pearl were all sitting around their usual table. Pearl looked up, “I thought you had a lesson, Trixie?” she said, “or… is there trouble in paradise again?”. Pearl grinned, looking back down at her work after Morgan shot her a glare. 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Russian girl snapped at her,” Morgan sighed, rolling his eyes, “she’s run off to smokers I think, doubt she’ll come back in today” he said, inclining his head towards the arts block. 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

“I wonder where that could possibly have come from!” Violet chimed in, with no attempt to mask the tone of slight glee in her voice. 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

Trixie’s head shot up, “What do you mean, Vi? Do you know something?”, she asked, trying not to sound as desperate as she felt. 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

Violet held her hands up from the table and shook her head innocently, “I know no more than you Tracey”. Trixie knew Violet was enjoying this, and she hated her for it. Katya had told them something, something she didn’t know about. Why would Katya keep something from her best friend? 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

“You know how much she means to me-“ Trixie began. 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Oh we know!” Violet cackled, and Fame slapped her arm chidingly in response. 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

“She’s been struggling a bit recently, is all.” Fame said reassuringly, reaching out her hand to hold Trixie’s own. “I think the project is a bit harder than she’d initially expected, and, well- I think she misses you.” 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Misses you is an understatement,” Pearl droned, not looking up from her work, “she doesn’t stop banging on about you, it’s actually quite annoying.” 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Well it’s not like she’s been doing nothing,” Morgan said defensively, pulling Trixie in closer to him, “we’ve been spending time together, Katya must know that.” 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Trust me, she knows,” Violet said coolly, “she knows all too well.” She avoided Morgan’s irritated glare, instead looking directly at Trixie who shot her an inquisitive glance. 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

Trixie sighed in frustration, “I’m done with whatever cryptic bullshit you’ve all got going on.” She Morgan’s hand and raised her nose in the air, “Not that I care,” she said turning to go, “but if a certain Russians does show up for whatever reason, can one of you let her know that I don’t want to see her?” 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

“I don’t think that’ll go down well, do you?” Pearl said, trying to sound a bit gentler as the fact Trixie was upset became increasingly clear. Trixie was hurting, and it was obvious- she had never been a good liar. “I think we all need to be gentle with her, especially now.”

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

”Why are you all defending her?” Trixie said, aghast, “ _She _snapped at _me _, what part of that do you guys not get?” she retorted. Why was no one seeing this from her perspective? Trixie didn’t think she had done anything wrong. It was unfair of Katya to punish her for spending time with her own boyfriend, she thought to herself as she turned to walk to her car, Morgan following at her heels.____

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Trixie wanted to run. To run from Morgan’s arms into the arms of her best friend, but she couldn’t. Whether out of stubborn pride or of a sense of obligation, Trixie knew that she simply could not run after Katya this time. She’s been waiting for this argument for a while, Trixie thought to herself as she reflected on Katya’s slightly unusual behaviour over the past two weeks; avoiding eye contact whenever possible, spending more and more time with Pearl, Violet and Fame instead of her. Trixie felt a stabbing pain in her chest and gave a sharp intake of breath, why is she avoiding me? 

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\------------ 

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An hour later, and Katya was still seated on the grotty bench behind the arts block, pulling her long coat around her neck in a futile attempt to keep out the bitter wind. She checked her phone, no message from Trixie. She wasn’t surprised, she knew that she had been in the wrong, but it still made her heart ache to think that Trixie didn’t care enough to ask if she was ok, especially when she was so obviously far from fine. 

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Katya hadn’t intended to snap at her, in fact, she had been planning to make a concerted effort to devote her day to spending time with Trixie in college. Good fucking job you did of that, she thought to herself. 

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Katya thought back to the interaction, trying to analyse where her anger might have come from, just as she had been taught to do in therapy. Katya was painfully aware that her outburst hadn’t stemmed from the fright of Trixie knocking on the window, but instead was from something she had been trying to ignore for months now; she wanted Trixie to be happy, of course she did, but something about seeing her with Morgan made her want to crawl into bed and never again emerge into the outside world. Katya realised with a pang that it had gone far beyond the stage of jealousy, this was something worse. Seeing them together generated feelings in her she never thought she would feel, not again. 

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She was all too aware that her father’s sudden disappearance had somewhat stunted her emotional development. At eight she had vowed never to let anyone break her heart the way her papa had. And yet here she was, completely and utterly heartbroken once more. She had upheld this promise to herself for over ten years; refusing to catch feelings for anyone she got involved with, using and abusing various substances to numb the pain, not letting anyone in for fear that they might leave. 

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She suddenly stubbed her cigarette out on the underside of the bench and rose to her feet, she couldn’t let Trixie leave. She couldn’t give up the best thing in her life without a fight. In this moment she wasn’t thinking about Morgan, about romance, about relationships, she just wanted her best friend back. 

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\------------

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Katya stormed into the common room, looking around for Trixie like a lost puppy. She walked over to the group’s usual table where Alaska, Violet and Pearl were all sitting. Violet looked up, and something about her expression made Katya stop in her tracks. 

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“She’s told you?” Katya said hesitantly, and the looks on their faces were answer enough. “Where is she? I need to see her” she asked, almost pleadingly. 

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Violet was the first to answer, “She’s gone home with Morgan, I’m sorry Kat, I really am”, and Katya could tell from her abnormally sincere tone of voice that she meant it. 

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She sat down at the table, defeated. “I’ve fucked it up already,” she said, burying her face in her arms on the table, “I don’t know what to do, I really don’t.” 

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“What you’re not gonna do is sit here and wallow in self-pity,” Alaska said calmly from the opposite end of the table, “we all know she means a lot to you, so go and find her.” 

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Katya looked up, exasperated, “I can’t! You don’t get it, I physically can’t! Something about her totally debilitates me, it’s like I can’t think straight. And this project is going to be the death of me.” 

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“It looks like some _one _\- I mean, something, is going to be the death of you for sure”, Violet said, chuckling lightly to herself.__

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“You’re a fucking sadist, Violet” Katya said bluntly, her head still rested resolutely in her arms. “You should have seen her face, she looked broken. How could I do that to her? I just need her to be ok, that’s all I need.” 

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“Do you think she’s not ok?” Pearl asked, looking up from her work, “I don’t mean that rhetorically, do you think she’s ok?” 

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Katya sank her head back down on the table, “I don’t know, I don’t know anything anymore.” 

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“I think the issue is that Kat here wants Trixie to be ok with _her _, not with Mr football lad she’s currently fixated on” Violet said bluntly.__

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Katya looked up to glare at her, “That’s not fair Vi and you know it, you know I want her to be happy, and if that’s with Morgan,” she paused, realising the weight of her words, “then so be it” she finished. 

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“I don’t believe that for a minute, and neither do you” Alaska said astutely. And he was right, deep down Katya knew that she could not carry on this façade- watching Trixie and Morgan together and having to pretend to be happy for them whilst she was breaking inside. This realisation hit her like a ton of bricks and all at once the floodgates inside her opened. 

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Katya got up from the table and grabbed her bag, “I’ve got to go, I can’t do this. Not now.” 

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“Don’t do anything stupid! Be safe, Kat!” Violet called after her in concern, but she was already half way out of the common room doors headed towards her truck in the car park. 

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\------------ 

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Chapter song: Lookalike by Conan Gray 

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